Entry 3 - February 16, 2011
February has been quite an adventure. For the week or so leading up to my period, I've been nauseous. I wasn't sure what it was, or if it was just in my head, so I just tried to ignored it. So, when it came time to have my period and I didn't have it, I was so excited. Mark and I went out of town with another couple (who are pregnant) for the weekend. When I hinted to my friend what was going on, she was very excited but I told her that I wasn't going to take a pregnancy test until we got back home on Sunday. I was supposed to have my period on Thursday, so when Sunday came around and I still didn't have it, we thought for sure that we'd have a positive pregnancy test. The two hour or so drive home seemed even longer because we were so excited to finally find out. When we got home and I took the test, it came out negative. At this point I was thinking it must be all the liquids I had that day and knowing it's also better to test first thing in the morning, I took another test Monday morning and it came back negative, again! Knowing there's still hope because hormone levels don't always show up right away, we agreed that I'd take the test on Friday.
It felt like Friday was so far away but with each day that passed with no period got us more and more excited especially since my period is never late. A week later from when I was supposed to start my period (on Thursday) I woke up early that morning feeling something wasn't right. As it came to find out I either miscarried or just had a really late, extremely heavy period. After this happened we researched on the internet and read that sometimes you may feel pregnant and not have your period but have a negative pregnancy test but because something just doesn't come together correctly, you miscarry. Or, of course, it was just a really late period, which has never happened before, but I guess anything can happen after having a baby with all of the bodily changes that occur. Whatever the case is, we were beyond disappointed. We had the hope that we finally were pregnant but instead, I was filled with frustration and doubt!
With all of this doubt, I had to remember the reassurance I got from my OB. After my last journal, in mid-January, I went to my OB for a follow-up appointment. I almost canceled my appointment because I didn't quite understand why I needed another follow-up since I already went to my OB sometime in October for my post-delivery follow-up. As the appointment approached I was putting off canceling as long as possible because I was hoping that I would be going in there with a positive pregnancy test result, and therefore the appointment would have a purpose. But, if I didn't have a positive pregnancy test, my thoughts were that I'd just cancel it. So, as the date approached, I had my period (as noted in my last journal), but my periods seem to be getting heavier and heavier each month. Before I had Ada my periods were fairly light and consistent. But every month since giving birth they have become extremely heavy, painful and just overall draining. At this point Mark was concerned because what if something was wrong? We didn't know what was normal after giving birth, so we didn't want to take the chance that something was possibly affecting our fertility - so I went to the appointment.
While sitting in the doctor's office I started feeling emotional. I was alone, for one, because for my last follow-up appointment Mark was there with me. But also because when you think of your OB's office you think of getting exciting news and you're also anxious to see your baby growing rapidly inside of you. Instead, as I was sitting there, I was thinking more about how I wished I was there to hear exciting news. I also was remembering the times when I was there so eager to hear Ada's heartbeat and how I'd get to get a little glimpse of her on the ultrasound. But, as I sat there, seeing all of the hopeful expectant mothers, I was sad but also a little jealous that that wasn't me! When I finally talked with the doctor, she told me that it's normal to have heavier periods after having a child. Then I got the whole talk on "our time will come" and that she anticipates that we'll get pregnant soon. We hear that all too often, that "our time will come," and it's so easy to tell someone that but it doesn't help matters any. When you're TTC waiting another month is just prolonging the entire process, which is so frustrating. Also, after loss of a child, you're even more psychologically prepared to begin the pregnancy process again. You've already been through the ups and downs of the emotional aspect of finding out you're pregnant but now you're ready to have the baby. I think that's what makes this so much more difficult - we're ready to have another baby, but we just didn't anticipate it taking this long or for it to be such an emotional process.
After feeling the disappointment this month it makes me doubt that it's even possible. But, I realize with Mark's reassurance, my doctor telling me that everything's okay and our faith in God, all things are possible. We are praying that THIS month will be the month that we become pregnant. As Albert Einstein said "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."