Entry 4 - March 26, 2011
~ Not What I Was Hoping For
It's funny how the month goes on that I start to think about what this journal will talk about this month. It's almost like when I call my friend each month for her monthly updates to let her know the good or disappointing news for the month. I treat this journal like I'm talking to her, not holding back, just laying out there for you to hear. I trust that whoever reading this is listening with a non-judgmental ear, like her, and is just there to share in my emotions.
The journal this month will not be written how I planned. This all started when, once again, my period was late. Evidently I now have an irregular cycle which was once a nice and predictable 28 days but has now changed to 35, 36 . . . whatever it really wants. It would be easier to forecast some things if it stuck to the 28 days, but this is much more difficult because I never know what is going to happen. When my period didn't come, I didn't even think too much about it. For two days I had very light spotting, which has never happened before. Then, when my period didn't come the day it did the previous month, THEN I got a little excited. By this time it was over a week late, so I woke up the next day and took a pregnancy test and planned on waking Mark up with good news! I thought about how the journal was going to go and how excited I was going to be to tell all of you! But then, as I took the test it was negative once again. I knew at that point that my period was inevitable, at least when my period finally did come, it wasn't a surprise.
Every month that passes and we're not pregnant makes it harder and harder. I have to keep reminding myself and praying not to lose hope and that this will be our month. This month at our support group meeting was very interesting. One of the doctors from the OB clinic that I go to was the guest speaker and he was discussing "Pregnancy After a Loss." Shortly after we lost Ada, I read a book with a similar title that I felt was very informative and I really enjoyed it. But, this meeting was more personal, especially since the doctor was one in my group. We asked a lot of questions such as what to expect in a future pregnancy after a loss, such as tests and other precautions that they might take. I talked with him about our situation and everything that has been going on and he told me to come in and they are going to run some blood work on me. It appears that even if you were fertile and were able to conceive before, there are periods in your life that you might not ovulate, so the blood test will determine if that's the problem. It was also at the meeting that I realized why it's so hard each month that passes and we find out we're not pregnant; we've been trying to have a child for over a year now and since we lost Ada, we are still trying. So, if someone says that we haven't been trying too long and it will happen, we HAVE been trying for a long time and that's why each month that passes is that much more difficult.
And, I know it may sound like it sometimes, but throughout the month I tend to relax and I don't stress about the situation. I exercise often which is not only a stress reliever but also a way of getting my body in shape to support a baby again, but I also make it a habit of taking baths or getting a massage every so often. I know stress effects a lot of things, especially in the baby making category, so I don't want it to be something that affects us. The time when I really stress is when I know it's that time of the month - it's either coming or not. When it does come it's so emotional and stressful that it takes me some time to break out of the funk. Writing this journal is a good way for me to vent and let out my emotions so that I can prepare myself for the month to come!
So, this month's journal is not the exciting news I was hoping to share with all of you. It is more about discouragement and frustration. Each month I look forward to sharing the good news with you, because you'll be one of the first to know - but I guess it's not this month. As I pray and try to regain hope for this month, I hope that it will be next month when I will finally get to share the news with you!