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Rebecca's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 12
~ One Day at a Time

We are back from Mexico and had a great time! We got lots of much needed relaxation. We took many siestas by the water and with all the extra rest we got I hardly had any nausea at all! I didn't have any more bleeding, so I was happy that we no longer had to worry about it. We were of course limited on our activity but we went snorkeling and we did a lot of walking while still taking it easy. It was just what we needed!

I had an appointment this week with my regular OB. I noticed I started getting nervous again pulling up to the building. I'm now out of the first trimester and I'm relieved that we made it through the higher risk point. At the same time, we still have a long road ahead of us that we want to take one day at a time. I knew this appointment was going to be the first time they were going to do the Doppler to find the heart rate, so I didn't know how I was going to feel about it. Would I worry if they couldn't find it right away? Then all the other scary thoughts and what ifs ran through my head. I then took a deep breath and got rid of my negative thoughts and I decided this was going to be a positive experience. I know I'm going to have these trepidations throughout the pregnancy, but I can't let them control my thoughts. When I start to feel like that I just have to remember to take a deep breath and try to relax as best as possible, which sometimes easier said than done. When the negative feelings start coming they can take over completely, and I can't let that happen. Thankfully, I had a very skilled nurse who found the heart beat as soon as she put it on my belly, which was good and strong. When the doctor came in she said I can finally start exercising again which was another big relief! She explained the upcoming test on the next visit called the AFP, which test for Spinal Bifida. Last pregnancy I had just the quad screen at this stage in pregnancy, which tests for all the common disorders. My doctor explained that the high risk doctor will be performing a nuchal scan (which test for chromosomal disorders) next week so she (the regular OB) will do an AFP in place of the quad screen in a month because of my history, which is more accurate. In all, I left the doctor's office felling better because that heart bit is all the reassurance I need right now!

This week Mark and I talked about how we felt about telling everyone our news. I decided that I actually want to wait until the anatomy ultrasound. With Ada we told everyone at the 12 week mark, and that's what we originally planned to do now. But, when I started to think about it, I started to recognize why I think it's a good idea to wait. We're not concerned that something is going wrong this pregnancy, because we are so thankful that the baby is doing so well. I think it's more that we have test and ultrasound measurements leading up to our anatomy ultrasound that we're going to be worried about. We told some close friends and immediate family early on that we were pregnant who we know understand our emotional state. We are of course excited, but at the same time we have so many fears and concerns that people might not be able to empathize with. It's not the same blissful feeling as a normal pregnancy. So, it will feel so good to be able to share with everyone what we're having when we find out that the baby is growing normally and is healthy. Also, when I'm 18-20 weeks along, it will seem like the pregnancy will go by much quicker because everyone will have just found out.

As a whole, it was a good week. Some of my nausea returned but I think I'm getting some of my energy back. I'm hoping going back to the gym will help. I can't wait to share with everyone that we're having a healthy baby in about a month. But for now, we're going to take it one day at a time.

Until next week!

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