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Rebecca's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 17
~ Bundle of Nerves

This week I finally got to go to my regular OB. The heart rate looked good (140bpm) and I gained 5 pounds total. Mark always worries that I'm not gaining enough weight, because if you're gaining weight then that means the baby is gaining also. I, on the other hand, am concerned with gaining too much weight. In other words, I want my weight gain to be healthy weight gain. But 5 pounds is right on schedule, so we were both happy! They also did the blood test for the AFP (Alpha-Fetoprotein), but I won't receive those results until next week.

I also got to talk to my doctor about continuing to go to the high risk doctor. I explained to her how I felt, that I was hoping that after my next ultrasound with them that I would be discharged, but we of course want what's best for the baby. She actually agreed with me in that she didn't see any reason to continue going to them after next week and that they would be able to monitor the baby's growth from her office. It felt so good to hear that! We both left the doctor's feeling satisfied and relieved that we had that talk with her. It was comforting hearing her say that she felt like I no longer had to go to the high risk doctor and from here on out I can be treated like a low risk pregnancy.

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Later that day, reality set in and took over my bliss. I realized I would be waiting a week to hear the results from my AFP test and I also have "the big" anatomy ultrasound this coming week. I realized that this is a big deal! The AFP test is the final test that is going to look at the health of the baby's chromosomes. At the same time the anatomy ultrasound is the thing that I've been waiting for since the beginning of the pregnancy. It was at this point with Ada that we found out something was wrong. And now, we are at that point in this pregnancy.

My nerves were getting the best of me and I've been having a hard time sleeping. It seems like I can fall asleep alright but then if I wake up at any point during the night, that I just stay awake (it doesn't help that I can only sleep on my side now either). When I'm awake then the only thing that I can do is worry. To calm myself down I started to think about the actuality to my restlessness. I always ask myself if worrying is going to help the situation any and if I really have a reason to worry. The answer to both questions is no. The reason being is that I had an anatomy ultrasound two weeks ago now and everything looked normal. There was a small cyst on the placenta, but this was something very normal and they were not concerned about it at all. It's true that they will be able to get a better view of things like the heart and brain this week, but from two weeks ago with what they saw, everything looked really good.

I guess my bundle of nerves just gets the best of me at times but I can't let the worrying take over. I have to keep in mind the facts of the situation and realize that the doctors have kept an extra eye on her for a reason, so they'd be able to catch anything that's abnormal. At the same time I understand that any parent is going to worry about their unborn child, because it's out of their control. It's just so difficult to keep the emotions at bay, when I have the fear in my mind about the past. I read a good quote this week that said people "worry too much about the past and of the future," which is exactly what I'm doing. So, I'm just going to approach it a day at a time and try to be more excited, rather than anxious, about being able to see our baby this week! And that's what I want to focus on!

Until next week,
  Rebecca


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