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Rebecca's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 18
~ The Last Thing I Wanted to Hear

The anticipation this week was almost unbearable. I had the "big" anatomy ultrasound and I was waiting for the day all week. After writing my last journal, I felt optimistic going into it. When the day came, we got up bright and early before work for my appointment. At my previous appointment they told me not to drink any juice before my next visit because the baby is so active and they wanted to get me some good pictures!

The ultrasound tech was very good about telling us about everything she was looking at. It was confirmed that it's definitely a girl! I felt more relaxed as the ultrasound went on, because everything seemed to be looking normal and her measurements were coming out on schedule. But, then the ultrasound tech got quiet and that is when I started to worry. One problem we had with Ada is that there was absent blood flow from the placenta through the umbilical cord and so this was something that the doctor wanted the tech to look at this visit. When they look at the blood flow they focus the ultrasound on the umbilical cord and then a graph pops up at the bottom of the screen, which looks like a heartbeat. When the tech didn't say anything when she was doing this, it was an awkward silence so I said to her "it's elevated, isn't it?" she nodded and said she was making sure it was accurate. Ada's blood flow was also elevated, so I knew what it looked like. That's when I started getting scared. Then, they did a measurement on her skull and the measurements came out smaller than it should.

When the doctor came in, we were hoping that he would clarify the information and assure us that everything looked fine. Instead, the doctor told us the last thing we wanted to hear "she is measuring a little behind," which is exactly what they told us with Ada. I felt so scared and helpless. Mark, of course, wanted the facts of the information, so the doctor read him the percentiles, which put his mind a little more at ease. Basically, what the doctor was telling us was that she is measuring a little small (6 days behind) and during a normal pregnancy or with anyone else then this wouldn't even be an issue. But, because Ada was routinely measuring behind more and more each visit, then he wanted to bring this to our attention. He said that he is not worried but it just gives us some figures so we can compare to in a month when I go back to see how she's growing.

As far as the skull measurement is concerned, when the doctor looked at it, he decided to have them re-measure it, because it seemed off, and when they did, it was more to scale. The doctor then was discussing with us that I have the option to get an amniocentesis to put our mind at ease, depending how we felt about the situation. We already decided that we weren't going to get an amnio, unless needed, so that wasn't even in our thought process. But, since the doctor was mentioning it, it made me feel even more concerned. It didn't make sense to me why he was mentioning the amnio if he felt that the measurements were still on track. Everything else looked fine; my nuchal scan with blood work came back good as well as my AFP (in which I found out this week) came back normal, and the anatomy also looked within range. We scheduled another appointment in a month when I'll be 22 weeks so they'll get even better view of everything, so unfortunately that wasn't my last visit with the high risk doctor. They're going to do an echocardiogram, as well as a follow-up on the anatomy ultrasound to see how she's growing at that point. It's going to be a long month!

When we left there we both had to go right to work. The ultrasound took much longer than expected so I felt rushed. On top of rushing to work and all the news that I just heard I felt so overwhelmed. Mark reassured me that the measurements are actually within a normal range, but still, any time you hear "she's measuring small" after going through the same thing with Ada, made me feel terrified! I'm so glad Mark was there to calm me and remind me that she's doing well! It's helpful because I feel her moving so much now! I know we both aren't going to feel 100% at-ease until she is crying in our arms! Until then, we can do nothing but take it one day at a time!

Until next week,

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