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Rebecca's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 25
~ Another Hurdle

FallThis week we participated in the "Walk to Remember "which is held every October for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. The walk includes a guest speaker, a small walk, and a balloon launch. This year was difficult for me to go, even though we went last year and I thought it would be easier. Mark's parents stayed the weekend with us and it's very hard for me to show my emotions in front of them. I try to be so strong and I don't want them to know that I still cry.

The speakers this year were a couple from our Pregnancy and Infant Loss support group. When I first met them in the group, she was pregnant and she was afraid that her presence at the meetings would be difficult for everyone. I told her that seeing her at the meetings actually encouraged me and showed me that there is hope after a loss. After talking to her I felt inspired to write this journal as we started to TTC again. I was hoping that our story would do the same for someone else. When she was telling their story at the service, it terrified me because they lost their first son at 32 weeks when she stopped feeling fetal movement. Now, she has a healthy baby boy and is actually pregnant again which is so encouraging.

During the walk, everyone there had the name of their child they loss placed on a stake throughout the walk. I love to see Ada's name, knowing we're doing this in remembrance of her. We think of her every day and it never gets easier, but I was glad that I got to share this with Mark's parents, and it's ok that I still do cry.

Oddly enough, I didn't feel Adisyn move for almost two days after. She is very reliable where I usually feel her every hour and especially first thing in the morning as well as before I go to bed. At my last doctor's appointment I was told not to get worried if I didn't feel consistent movement until 27 weeks. But, seeing that Adisyn had become so consistent, I was scared and it made it hard to focus at work. That evening I felt little twinges where I thought "was that her?" Finally, the second night I felt a good, swift kick and knew that she was ok. It was such a relief!

The worrying over her movement really consumed me. I started questioning everything I was doing, wondering if I was doing something wrong. When Adisyn was back to her normal sleep/wake cycle I realized why I was so anxious. For one, after hearing the story at the walk, I realized that I have become a hypochondriac. But why? I know how my doctor stressed to me not to worry about inconsistencies, but it was so hard to hear their story and not worry about your own baby developing inside of you. Then I realized that we lost Ada at 25 weeks and now I have reached that point in this pregnancy. I think that unconsciously, this was weighing in my head.

We finally took some maternity pictures this week. My family, as I mentioned, doesn't live close to me, so they rely on Facebook to see me. We took a beautiful drive through the mountains on our way to our friend's house for a get together. The leaves have already changed, so we got some good pictures. It was nice to see friends that we haven't seen for a little while. They shared with us some baby things that they no longer use, and we appreciated it so much! Our nursery/office is quickly filling up and we wonder how we're going to have room for everything. It's funny how much one little human being can have so much stuff!

I also went to my doctor for my 1 hour glucose test this week, which unfortunately I didn't pass. My values were 202 when they're supposed to be 140! This coming week will be a big week, though. I have to see my high risk doctor for another growth ultrasound, then my regular OB for my monthly check-up and for my 3 hour glucose test, and then we head off to our first baby shower in Mark's hometown. I'm worried about the glucose test because even though it's common to have Gestational Diabetes, I just don't want another complication to concern us.

Even though this week was difficult, we are excited about the week to come. We feel like we have overcome another hurdle as we continue to take one day at a time.

  Rebecca


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