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Rebecca's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 28
~ Tides Have Changed

Our Halloween was very cold! Mark gets out of work at 8:00pm and we have so many children in our neighborhood that he brought home three bags of candy and we were out of it in 1/2 hour! Still, it didn't seem like we had as many children as last year; I think the cold weather scared them all away!

At the beginning of the week, I noticed that I'm feeling really good. I feel like I have some energy, my pregnancy symptoms are at a minimum, and I can still move around pretty well. I want to take advantage of this while I can! I've been staying active every day but I noticed that because I am trying to take full advantage of how I'm feeling that I am in nesting mode. The hard thing is that Mark hasn't had enough time on his days off to get the nursery started, so I'm at a stand-still. I feel like there's so much I want to get done, and I'm eager to do it, while I'm still feeling good!

On Thursday I went to my high risk doctor. They did the normal growth ultrasound along Biophysical Profile (BPP), which checks the baby using eight specific criteria. Adisyn was not doing enough practice breathing, which is one of the criteria, so they put me on the heart rate monitor. After over another 1/2 hour her heart rate wasn't elevating to what they wanted, so they sent me back to the ultrasound room to see if they could detect any more practice breathing. At this point they still couldn't identify any practice breathing so they either wanted to: A) admit me to the hospital for a 24 hour monitor and possibly give me steroids just in case they had to induce early or B) let me leave for lunch and come back after lunch to see if she improves. If she doesn't improve by that time then they would admit me. We chose plan B.

Mark and I went out for lunch and I had a big cookie for dessert to try to stimulate some movement. The cookie was also an experiment to see what my blood sugar would read after eating it because my lunch plus the cookie was way over the recommended limit. After lunch when it was time to test, my blood sugar came out to be 88 (anything above 120 is considered high). I made a quick trip home to pack some clothes for the hospital, because from the sounds of it, they were leaning towards admitting me, then we returned to the doctor.

When we went back to the doctor, I got an ultrasound right away and Adisyn was breathing like crazy! She passed the test with flying colors this time but when they went to check her heart rate it was registering low (at 118 bpm). Now, since her heart rate was so low, they had to put me on the monitor again. Finally, after being on the monitor for about 45 minutes, they felt like her heart was doing well. The doctor to explain what was going on and according to him, they normally don't pay attention to practice breathing until about 30 weeks. But, because Adisyn's abdomen is still measuring small (within the sixth percentile) they are monitoring things in more detail because they want to make sure the placenta is delivering her enough nutrients. Overall, she is within the 25th percentile for growth, so the stomach is something they want to keep an eye on. Since we are talking about growth, I brought up the Gestational Diabetes conversation. When I have been tracking my blood sugar, it has been averaging fairly low (in the 80's) and only reaching 100 once. I have been adhering to the diet by only eating the recommended carbohydrates and I feel like I'm restricting my food intake. The doctor agreed and said that when there is a growth restriction (in this case her stomach) restricting calories doesn't make sense. Also, when I upped my carbohydrate intake before returning to the doctor, Adisyn was a lot more active. We therefore came to the conclusion that I just need to eat sensible (not going overboard on sugar) and just monitoring my sugar levels, but not necessarily abide by the diabetics diet. But, the downturn of the situation is that he does not want me to do any strenuous activity any more i.e., kickboxing and mountain biking, because he feels like he doesn't want me to burn any extra calories, instead I need to gain them. I was upset about this because I know how beneficial exercise is, and we just went over with him two weeks ago that my activity level isn't going to impact how much nutrition Adisyn receives. Still, after listening to him, I realize that he wants to get as much calories to the baby as possible and this is the best way to do it. He did suggest, however, continuing to do my prenatal yoga and walk my dog, which I was satisfied with.

The entire day at the doctor's office, I was actually really relaxed and I wasn't worried about the situation. I felt like the doctors were assuring me that Adisyn is doing well, they are just keeping an extra close eye on her. Mark, on the other hand, was very apprehensive and I had to try to reassure him. He felt like they were keeping something from us, because they were putting so much emphasis on her practice breathing, and that's why they were making such a big deal about it and were possibly going to admit me.

The whole situation didn't hit me until the next day. I woke up and I couldn't go back to sleep. All I kept thinking was that Adisyn's movements are always what comforts me and reminds me that she's healthy. When they weren't getting the practice breathing and heart rate in which they wanted at the doctor's office, she was still kicking strong the whole time! Then suddenly I realized that her kicks weren't as reassuring as I once thought. I started to worry that if I can't use her kicks to tell how well she's doing, how am I supposed to tell if her heart rate is down? When I was laying there trying to sleep, I just kept my hand on my belly, feeling helpless once again.

Later that day I had an appointment with my regular OB. Looking back over my Gestational Diabetes test results and after reading the all of the notes from the high risk doctor, my OB was confused. She personally didn't see why I was diagnosed with GD in the first place. She feels like my numbers were border-line and my fasting glucose was really low. As the lab tech was doing the Doppler for the heart rate, she asked me who told me I had GD. I felt awkward (because it was her who did tell me, even though I didn't tell her that) and I told her that it seems like that was something that should have been cleared with the doctor before they had the Endocrinologist call me. Adisyn's heart rate was again low (118 bpm) and the doctor came in to check it again and she said that it's actually a good heart beat because it is variable, ranging from 118 to 130, and my blood pressure was a little high for the first time. After talking with her, she treated the situation like I am border-line diabetic and said that she agreed with the high risk doctor in that I don't need to strictly adhere to the diabetic diet, but just to check my blood sugar only a couple of times a day to make sure I'm not too high. Still, I think if she was the doctor on duty the day I got tested, then I wouldn't have had to go to the endocrinologist in the first place. I feel like we wasted time and money!

The tides changed from the beginning of the week to the end. I felt exuberated and confident, in the beginning, appreciating my present state and wanting to conquer everything, before I would be restricted. Then, at the end of the week, I now feel confused, unsure and powerless. Thankfully, I am going to the high risk doctor twice next week so they can monitor her some more so we hopefully get the reassurance that we had. I have to remember that the doctors keep telling us that Adisyn's doing great, they just want to keep an close eye on her. It's just hard not to worry.


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