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Rebecca's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 34
~ Ready or Not

6 weeks to go!

The weather has been really strange--it's actually been a little unseasonably warmer than normal and I love it! Christmas isn't 100% on my mind. I love the holiday and all it represents, but I realize my daily activities and thoughts are consumed with the baby. We have some decorations up, but not much because we're in the process of doing some renovating before Adisyn comes (which hopefully will be done next week). Mark's parents are headed to our house for Christmas so I hope it all comes together for then!

I had the monthly growth scan this week. The ultrasound tech pointed out that Adisyn has a lot of hair, which we're really excited about. I have been making some bows for her hair, so I'm glad that she'll be able to use them! Adisyn is overall measuring in the 23rd percentile (a little smaller than last month) and her stomach is measuring in the 9th percentile (a little larger than last month). To translate all of this, basically she's growing like she should (she's about 4 lbs.) but her stomach is still in the danger zone. Still, with all of this, the doctor was very pleased with her progress and was very happy to see her growing. As far as I knew, this was going to be the determining factor into when or if they were going to induce. But, according to this doctor (who was someone different than I saw at my previous visit) I have an increased risk of stillbirth, but he really wants to keep her in the wound until about 39 weeks. After hearing this, I told him that last week, both my regular OB and the other high risk doctor said that if her stomach was below the 10th percentile, then they were going to induce at 37 weeks. His response to this was just that they would like to keep her in there as long as possible. To say the least, I left there feeling very confused. Why was I receiving conflicting information? It seems like all the doctors should be on the same page! Also, if I've had a stillborn before, then why would you tell me that I have an "increased risk of stillbirth" because of her smaller size, but then say he still wants to keep her in as long as possible? To me, it seemed logical to induce earlier, because she does have an increased risk.

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Later that week I went to my regular OB group. The doctor asked me the usual "have you had any problems this week" and I told him "YES! - I'm very confused." I told him that I didn't really think I was overreacting but when someone tells a mother, with my history, that we just want to keep the baby in the womb, it just didn't make sense. The doctor actually very much agreed with me. He admitted that he would be all for inducing at 37 weeks, because of her measurements and the standard guidelines of when to induce early. I want more than anything what's best for Adisyn; I just wish all the doctors were telling me the same thing, so that I'd be more confident with their conclusions. If they all said that all of them agree that we need to wait until at least 39 weeks, then I'd be all for that, because they obviously know what they're talking about. But, if some of them are riding the fence, then it makes me feel less secure. After leaving my regular OB's office, I felt a lot better about how he explained things and how there is a "grey area" right now where they're trying to determine the best option for the baby. At the same time he put in his notes that the high risk doctors need to come up with a plan that they all agree on so we all have some direction. In the end, the high risk doctors are going to determine when Adisyn should come and my regular OB is going to do the delivery.

Reality hit me that Adisyn might be here a little earlier than expected. I started thinking about having smaller size clothes that will fit her, making sure her bassinette is put together and in place next to our bed, and getting the hospital bag ready. I ordered on-line some nursing bras and shirts so I'd have them in time. I realized that we might not have everything in place by the time she gets there, but it's okay. She won't use her nursery for a little while and as long as we have the bare essentials, then we can always make a run to the store to get things we might be missing. I guess that's what the in-laws visiting is going to be for!

Also this week, we went to a breastfeeding class with our friends who are due the same day. It's always nice to be there with them, because when they ask "is this your first pregnancy" during the class, we know that they're in the same boat as us. The class really convinced me on how important and how valuable breastfeeding is for the baby. It also eased some of my worries such as how it would feel, going back to work, how often to nurse, etc. I'm convinced now that I really want to breastfeed, at least for the first 6 months and then we'll see how we feel after that.

Immediately following the breastfeeding class, all four of us went to our infant loss support group meeting, because it's just a couple of floors up in the hospital. We made some Christmas ornaments with Ada's name on them. The topic of discussion was that we all still, and always will, think of our babies that passed all the time, no matter what time of the year. It was a nice end to our long day. It made me sad that Ada wasn't there with us, but it reminded me that next year Adisyn will be here at the meeting and will soon be learning about her older sister. The support group is also good in that there are other families that have had children since their loss. They can understand our worries and concerns so it makes us feel like we're not alone.

Overall, we are as prepared as we're going to be. I have some things we can add to the hospital bag, but the important thing is that Adisyn comes when the doctors think she's ready and when it's most appropriate. It's an exciting time, because we realize that she's going to be here before we know it. All of those kicks, twists and turns that we feel in my stomach are going to soon be before our eyes. We can't wait!

  Rebecca

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