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Rebecca's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 35
~ At the Pace of a Pregnant Snail

Five more weeks to go!

It sounds like it's getting closer but the phrase that my seventh grade history teacher always used "moving along like the pace of a pregnant snail" comes to mind. I feel a multitude of emotions. I'm obviously anxious to finally meet Adisyn but at the same time I'm scared, happy, excited, worried . . . I'm prepared mentally for labor and delivery again - it's just everything else. I think when you've gone through a "worst case scenario" it's natural to worry, because you've been there. I'm visualizing a good labor and delivery; optimism can only help with stress and uncertainty. This delivery will be one in which my baby girl in my arms looking up at me, crying as I swaddle her in her blanket, Mark kissing her on her forehead. All of my apprehensions about her size and her health are no longer an issue - she's perfect. I know that unexpected things happen during labor, and I need to be open-minded that it might not go exactly like I'm thinking, but I'm okay with that.

The hard part is the waiting. She's moving less than before and I realize that as she gets larger then she has less room to move, so in a way it's a good thing that she's growing. When she is active we get a lot of twist, turns, kicks and hiccups but I use to feel it all the time. When I would feel her at work it was my little reminder that although I can't see her, she's doing fine. But now, even though her kick counts are still good, I like that reassurance of feeling her almost every hour.

Now that I realize my water can break any day so I feel like I'm on high alert. I over-analyze every symptom not wanting to miss something that would warrant a call to the doctor. I think I lost my mucus plug, or at least part of it, but who is to be sure? My doctor's visits this week went smoothly but all the waiting and uncertainty is stressful. It seems like the next growth ultrasound, on January 3rd, when I'll be almost 37 weeks, will tell us more information. I appreciate being able to see my doctors twice a week (and an ultrasound every week) because that helps with the uncertainty. I continue to pray and to think optimistically that everything is going to be okay. I know everything is going to be okay.

We finally got the remodeling done in time for Christmas! Our house isn't decorated as much as we would like but I'm so excited to get all of Adisyn's things in place. I love to see all of her stuff around the house because it makes her arrival that much more imminent. Her bassinet is in place next to our bed and she'll soon be in it! Anticipation is always difficult which draws out the waiting process. In the end, I love this little wonder I have growing inside of me and I treasure my time I have being pregnant. To feel her move and see her grow is something that can only be described as a miracle.


Week 36 | Week 34
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