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Rebecca's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 9
~ Things Are a Little Different This Time

We finally had our first ultrasound at the high risk doctor. I don't know why, but it seems like for my first pregnancy that I had the ultrasound earlier, but then again it could be because I'm more anxious. Usually, it's so exciting to see the baby for the first time, but I was more scared than anything. I had worse-case scenarios playing through my head all week even though I was trying my best to be optimistic, but I found that those thoughts wouldn't leave me. I had so many built up emotions. When it came time for my ultrasound, I layed on the table and my bladder was so full that I think it was taking my mind off of some of my nervousness. At first, I was afraid that the ultrasound tech couldn't find anything. Then, when she found the baby I initially was worried because I didn't see any movement. Then she zoomed in on the heart, everything looked good, the heartbeat is strong, and the baby is measuring within my due date. I took a deep breath and it was reassuring to see the baby and the heart beat. At the same time, I still hold onto the concern because of the fact that it's too early to tell how the baby is doing.

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According to the doctor I'm considered "low high-risk," but to me that sounds like an oxymoron! In other words, for now I'm considered high risk, but because the genetic aspect of passing anything to this child is low, then I'm on the low end of that. I will have to see the high risk OB for an ultrasound at weeks 13, 16, and between 18 and 20 just to make sure the baby is growing as scheduled. We noticed Ada was measuring small at my anatomy ultrasound which is why they are keeping a close eye on the baby's growth. But, looking back, she was measuring a week behind on the first ultrasound as well, but they didn't think anything of it because they just assumed the due date was off. So, I am just trying to be thankful for all the positive information that we found thus far while keeping in mind that all of the extra ultrasounds will just help ease my anxiety of not knowing how the baby is actually doing.

This week it seems like my constant nausea is a bit more tolerable, or I'm just getting more use to it. It's hard to find something to eat because I really have to want to eat it, or it will make me feel sick! I have noticed that the more sleep I get, the better I feel. I feel guilty at times because I have been getting so wiped out at the end of the day and so picky about what I feel like eating that Mark tries as hard as he can to make me feel better. He is so patient with me!

After the visit to the high risk doctor we went out with another couple that we met at the support group. They also lost their child at 25 weeks last year. We found out that they are also pregnant and are also due in January, but they have not told anyone. Listening to their fears and apprehension makes us realize that our anxiety is perfectly normal and that we're not overreacting! We're not going to have the happy-go-lucky, pregnancy bliss that we once had. So, I am trying to appreciate the good news that we do receive but knowing things are just a little different this time.

Until next week,
  Rebecca


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