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Rebecca's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry 1 - August 17, 2013
Here We Go!

It feels good to be doing the TTC journal again. I love sharing with you guys as it is great therapy for me as well.

My last parenting journal was at Adisyn's 1 year mark. I did not realize I would like each stage more than the last! As we enter into the "terrible two's" I am so proud to be a mother and to watch her develop and learn. I think I have gotten even more sentimental or emotional (if that's even possible) as I watch Adisyn grow. She is naturally nurturing and I am amazed by how much she instinctively cares for her dolls as well as everyone close to her. I know she's going to be a great big sister!

When this journey began, we somehow thought things would happen quickly. We actually started TTC at her 3 month mark. I've heard stories of women getting pregnant so much faster than expected because they were much more fertile during this time. I know it sounds crazy to some, but I'm worried about my age. I realize I'm still young and within the normal childbearing years. Still, not knowing how long it's actually going to take to conceive could put me into the 35+ mark. To some this may not seem like a big deal either. After all, women get pregnant well into their 40's. To me, though, I start to think about the 35 mark (or even 34) can send you right to the "high risk" department. Since I'm already anticipating the doctors I have to go to the high risk doctor (even though I'm going to try my best to talk them out of it), I don't want another reason for them to put me into the category at all. I don't want another odd stacked up that increases my risk of chromosomal questioning. As many of you know, our first daughter, who was stillborn, had a portion of her 4th chromosome missing. I want to experience a normal pregnancy.

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As the months went on, we went through the friends who got pregnant by "we weren't even trying" to "we decided to try again and we got pregnant right away". It seemed like everyone was pregnant. People that got pregnant when we were first trying already have babies now. Obviously you're happy for these people but as the months went on, it's hard not to get mad, jealous, envious . . . why do human emotions take you to these places? I realized it's a natural human emotion to feel jealous, but I told myself that I had to stop with negative emotions. Negativity makes the process that much more emotional. But sometimes that's easier said than done.

Each month I told myself I wasn't going to be pressured to make things work and that I wanted to try to appreciate the process. I think that this philosophy has been working, for the most part. The part that I'm having difficulty with is the uncertainty of my cycle. As I mentioned, it took some time to actually get a cycle again. Then, when I actually had a cycle, they were so irregular. I began charting with an app on my phone, which would seem like it would help develop a pattern. But, my cycle varied from 23 days to 31 days. Because of this I would anticipate the start of my period within a certain time frame. So, logically when this didn't happen I would think "this could be it!" Every little symptom I had made me feel like a type of hypochondriac; I felt tired, bloated, crampy, but no period, could it be? Then when you are trying to be positive, relaxed and trying to not stress out about the situation, AF comes to visit or you're hit with a BFN when you least expect it. I think that's what makes it much more dramatic. It's a letdown. The whole process is not supposed to be stressful and you're supposed to remain positive, but how can you do this when month after month you are anticipating good news and are disappointed? To go along with this, I went to the fertility doctor so that he would help with my ovulation, so you would think that would increase my odds. I think this just builds it up that disappointment to be much more dramatic.

With the help of this journal, I hope that it gives me a coping mechanism to sort out my feelings. I hope that while you're reading this, if you are going through or have been through the same emotions, that you'll take comfort knowing that someone else is feeling like this. To tell you the truth, I am expecting that I'll be moving up on the journal list soon!

Rebecca

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