What is there really to say? Nothing worked. I have spent each month with more and more hope for every new thing we tried, believing that this was going to work. I had to believe it was going to work. If you don't have the optimism or hope, then there is just no way it can work. Each month we went through the disappointment, but we had to have something to look forward to in the next month to keep our spirits up. The doctor would up the dose, change his approach, our timing was perfect, my cycle was running like a champ, but still nothing. It's like training for a marathon but not getting to run.
I can honestly say that I do feel hopeless and defeated. I always try to be optimistic, but I am also feeling like I have to face reality. Biologically I have had two children so I would think the odds are in my favor to be able to have another. Logically, though, you have to think that you outweighed the odds when you continuously fail each month. I feel like a failure.
On top of all this, and to further dampen the situation, we have had a couple of very stressful months. For one I've had two very demanding months at work both physically and mentally where it has gotten so bad that I am bringing my work home, working late, not sleeping well and getting emotional about the situation almost on a daily basis. There are also some life changes headed our way which is stressful not knowing what direction our future is headed. Mark has been up for a promotion for a some time now and over the past couple of months his company has opened up for some opportunities for him to apply. We have tried to stay in this area, not only because we really love where we live and have made it our home. But, when those opportunities didn't pan out the way we were hoping, we knew that God would open the doors to where we are supposed to be. Needless to say we are still in the process of finding out where we are going to end up, but we are very close to finding out if we will be moving or not. Even though it is scary to think we will have to pick up and move from a place we love and the security of me having a good paying job, we realize that wherever the opportunity arises is where we will call home. It still doesn't make the anticipation any easier, but I know it will all work out.
I know I always say that I don't like to write a negative journal but I also have to be honest. This is me, my feelings and where we are right now. We want Adisyn to have a sibling so we can expand our love and family so much. I think it does dwindle in the back of my mind that we lost Ada and now I can't conceive so what is wrong with me? How can I do everything to the t like exercise, manage my stress, try every tea, or whatever else for fertility and nothing has worked? When our doctors have looked at everything and they can't figure out why? Where do you think that leaves us? So, yes, that pretty much sums it up.
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