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Rebecca's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry 15 - July 11, 2014
Changes Are Ahead

Disney!

This past month was tough one. We un-expectantly lost my first cousin, who was only 27 years old. We were really close growing up as I was the oldest of the “little” cousins and our family was always together. Now, as an adult, I am very close to my aunt, his mother, as I talk to her every week somehow or another. She likes to have daily pictures of Adisyn and will even send her surprises here and there in the mail. Since my family is so far away it was almost like it took longer for the reality to hit that he was gone. I found that I didn’t know what to do or say to my aunt. I am not very good at knowing what to say when it comes to a loss. Even though I could think of a million things to share, her situation is different than mine and I was at lost for words. I was incredibly sad and I couldn’t stop thinking what she or my other cousin (his older brother by 1 year) was feeling. I realize that I still can’t handle a loss, nor am I any better at comforting someone in times of one.

We also found out we are moving….STAT. Mark’s job transferred him to another city about 2 hours away. We were told the day we were leaving for vacation that he was to report to the new city the Monday that we returned. So, when we got back from vacation Mark basically moved there since it would be too far to come home every day. The good news is that its only 2 hours away, but since this was a sudden move, Adisyn and I will be living at home until we can sell our house, or at least get the process going. Luckily his company helps us out with a lot of the moving process and hopefully it will happen sooner than later. It is really hard to leave a place that we love, but I know it will all work out.

Our vacation was great. I wasn’t sure at first how it would feel after just losing my cousin. We met some of my family at Disney World to watch my niece who was performing there. It was nice to take a much needed vacation to be with the family but also to see my side of the family that I don’t get to see too often. They loved seeing Adisyn and getting together with them was just what we all needed - To be together as a family.

Also last week my mom was placed in a hospital. She just recently got diagnosed with dementia last month, even though she’s only 67 years old. Living away from my family I would tell my sister that my mom was different. It was a slow decline since everyone “forgets” things, no matter your age. But this is different. When we went to see my family just before Christmas last year I was talking with my sister about the changes I noticed with our mom. She also had a flat affect. This was not like her and we decided to call her doctor (again). The records showed that I called 1 1/2 or 2 years ago with concerns about her memory, but nothing was done about it. It was apparent it was getting worse. Then, for the second time in a couple of months, she just fell in her apartment and forgot how to get up. She lives alone and luckily someone found her, but she doesn’t remember what happened and she was also very confused, more so than usual. My sister took her to the ER and was describing her state as very disoriented in that none of her sentences or conversations were appropriate or made sense. It was so hard being so far away because there was nothing I could do. My mom was in the hospital for a few days and has improved, but they would not approve her to go into a nursing home for rehab. Thankfully, nothing was broken. She is very shaky and weak and now is using a walker but it is still scary that she is living by herself. I don’t know what the next step is, but I know my myself, my brother or sister are not ready for what’s ahead. I don’t think she’ll be able to live by herself much longer.

In all I realized even more so that I love my family. I love every second of my time with Mark and Adisyn and we’re excited to start our family in a new city. Change is hard, but I now that this is where we’re supposed to be. It’s also tough when I’m so far away from my side of the family and I still may not know what to say, but I’m thankful for them. Changes are ahead and even though they are not always easy, God has a plan and will be with us every step of the way!

Rebecca

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