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Rebecca's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry 17 - September 2014
Still Attached

This past week was the fourth anniversary of our daughter, Ada Noelleís, stillbirth. Itís still hard to believe that it was four years ago. I was more upset that week than I thought Iíd be. As I mentioned in an earlier journal, I still have trouble talking with people about death. I donít know what to say or how to act, so Iím usually just quiet. I had the opportunity to talk to a patient of mine about a recent death of her own and I shared my experience. We both enjoyed the conversation and it was mutually beneficial. We determined that when you experience death of a family member your world stops. It is so difficult to understand why everyone else keeps going. That person is always in your heart and you always think of them. So even though you have to get back to everyday life, you always have that emptiness that others donít understand unless they have been through something like it. It was the first time I actually talked to someone about their recent loss in this way. I was so sad the week of Adaís anniversary, especially that day. My world stopped that day we lost her. Mark and I are on the journey together and without a spoken word, he knew how I was feeling. We may not be living in the same city still, but he is my partner and best friend. Itís so comforting knowing that he always understands.

We miss Ada so deeply that I canít fully explain it. It bothers us so much that Adisyn doesnít have the opportunity to meet her big sister and grow up with her. It also put our fertility journey in perspective too Ė itís such a deep, painful hurt inside after losing a child. To be ďinfertileĒ after going through a loss makes it that much harder. We want our family to grow and really want a sibling for Adisyn. She is such a blessing to us and we canít wait to grow our love even more!

As we begin the journey to our new home, I find I am very emotionally attached to my home. The only memories I have of Ada are while I was pregnant with her in this home. I remember how I would lay on my bed and look out the window and feel Ada move. I feel like Iím leaving all the memories I have of her. I kept a scrapbook that I made after we lost Ada about everything that we did while I was pregnant with Ada Ė her journey with me. Now those pictures are all we have of Ada.

We also have our happy memories of Adisynís first years in this house. We saw her crawl on these floors and we heard the pitter-patter of her first steps. We have her room decorated the same way it was for her when she got home from the hospital. This house is all she knows and all of her memories.

We are going to be officially moved out this weekend. Right now, my feelings are that I just want us to be together as a family again, in the same city! I have not processed the finality of it all yet. I know our new house, neighborhood, city is great, but how can we pack up all of these priceless emotions that stay with the house? Why do I form such an attachment to everything, including this house, where our home is only a home when our family is together?

So hereís to a new home, a new city and new beginnings to add to Adisynís book of life experiences. I know we made a good decision in the place we picked, but that doesnít make the transition any easier!


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