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Rebecca's Trying to Conceive Journal

Entry 4 - September 23, 2013
Bringing in the Big Guns

It's official - we've been TTC for 1 year and 5 months. To me, it's frustrating enough to be TTC for more than a few months. For some, that may not seem like a lot. For anyone who's been through it, you know the emotions that go with it that can't be explained in any other way. But for me, it's been way too long.

When you're TTC you go through cycles of emotions. At first you think "I am confident it's going to happen quickly!" Then, a few months go by, you're still trying to be optimistic and you think "ok, THIS is the month". But, as the months go on, it's hard not to feel defeated. Those "negative" pregnancy tests weigh on you. As optimistic as I try to be, negativity is hard to defeat. I feel like the underdog.

This month I was really feeling optimistic. I'm always trying to be optimistic going into the next cycle but this time we brought in the big guns - we bought some OPK's so I was testing this along with my BMT. Just this extra help of the OPKs made me feel more confident that our timing was right. When we got a positive OPK, I knew we were there! I also went to my OB so they could check my hormone levels. They haven't done this since probably January or so. We found out that my hormone levels were just where they needed to be and that I actually did ovulate! It felt like everything was lined up. It's amazing how much more confidence the OPKs and just getting a little blood work can do for you!

As my cycle was nearing the end, I could tell the progesterone was making me feel like something was going on. Then, AF was a couple of days late or so and my charting app was telling me to test. I didn't want to jump the gun too quickly, because I been down that road. But, when it was late I was feeling confident, so I tested a little earlier than I have been. When I woke up that morning to test I was happy to see that my temperature didn't drop like it usually does when AF was imminent and I obviously didn't see any signs of her either. I tested and to my surprise I got a BFN. Then, literally within seconds, AF made her presence. In the moment of this sadness, I hear nothing more peaceful than Adisyn's voice calling me into the kitchen. It was the most precious sound and her smile just makes me feel so blessed!

Still, through this all, it's hard not to question yourself. What am I doing wrong? Our timing is right - check, I'm exercising to stay healthy - check, I'm doing things to keep my stress levels at bay - check, I'm eating healthy - check, I'm taking my prenatals and Clomid like I should - CHECK . . . we're doing everything right!

This month I felt totally defeated. I had an emotionally hard week at work and having so much hope and confidence after going down this road for so long just made the negative test affect me more emotionally. I have a great friend, who I met through StorkNet, who told me that she always gave herself one day to sulk after a BFN. So after I got home from work that day, I wanted to vent. It hurts, I feel overpowered and I wanted to be okay with just feeling sad, just for that moment.

I may be the underdog but I am going to hit this next cycle with a full head of steam. It certainly does wear on you month after month. But, having such a loving husband as well as a sweet little girl and a lot of prayer is what gives me hope that this is going to be the month. We are so blessed and I just can't wait to see our family grow!


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