January is an exciting month for us! Adisyn turned 2! We had a busy birthday planned for her. We didn't have an official "party" with her friends because we had a family party on Christmas. Instead we invited a few of her close friends together to play at an indoor bouncy park. We also spent the day out an about doing family things. She had a blast (and we had a great time too!).
I can't believe how much she is growing and learning. I am so impressed by her every day. I know I probably mentioned it before, but I love the toddler stage. She is experimenting and learning how to express herself in ways that she ever could before. I love every minute of watching her grow!
She will be a great big sister. She has so much care and compassion for not only her dolls and animals, but also other children. It's amazing to watch her because you're thinking "how did she learn that!?" I know that there are times when there's a period of uncertainty and jealousy as she learns her new role as a big sister, but she's practicing now to do a great job in the future. I was talking to a new friend that just had her second child and she had a good point that I never really thought of in this way; she told me that even though I wanted to have another child before now, it's better to be thankful for all the special time now that Adisyn has as the only child. She felt like her children are too close together and she didn't get as much of the special time with her first as she would've wished. Even though this is a good point and not one that I would've considered a year ago, now that we haven't had another child yet, it's a good perspective in which I'll just have remember.
As you could have guessed from the journal, I had another month of AF. Again, my cycle started on time and I did not have as much pain and cramping as usual. Since I began menstruating again since having Adisyn, my periods have been extremely heavy, so much that I can go through an "extra heavy" tampon in a matter of 2 hours at times. Then, after the first two days, it seems to regulate. During this heaviness I have a lot of pain, pressure and cramping in my back and in my legs to the point where I feel the need to sit down. Even though this is not always possible at work, I just try to go about my day and act like nothing is wrong, then finally conk out when I get home. This month though, I would say my period was more "normal" and so much more tolerable. I'll take this as a good sign!
As I attempt to pep myself up for this next cycle, though, I find myself having to go back to the drawing board. January makes it officially a year since I started fertility treatment. For this reason I decided to call my OB to see what the next step should be. It seems that when I do have to call them, they just refill my Clomid and that's all. They haven't changed my prescription or dosage since beginning the treatments. I am usually very pleased with the OB group and feel like the doctor that is watching over the fertility treatments has always been proactive. But, as I was suspecting, he doesn't know where to go from here and he had to refer me back to the RE. I stopped going to the RE last year when they were able to get my cycle going again assuming I would be able to conceive now that everything was back to normal. I never suspected that I would have to return. I obviously never suspected it would take this long. In my head I was thinking that I was able to conceive before, twice. Even though I did use Clomid in the past, it was nothing like this. In spite of everything, when you're TTC as long as you're aware of your timing, everything else should fall into place. After all, you hear stories of families deciding to have a child and then are able to get pregnant, as planned. It's that simple! So what is biologically going on inside of me that is prohibiting this? I worry that I'm starting all over again, but I don't know what else to do. I'm hoping that seeing the RE will give me some reassurance.
I always try to write my journal each week being optimistic to the impending cycle. This month has been harder though, as I think, what if we are not able to have another child. I'm so scared and trying so hard to be confident with my upcoming cycle. But I'm hiding a lot under my breath.
What I come back to when I am getting discouraged is just seeing, hearing, and just being with Adisyn and Mark. She has brought so much joy to our life and to our marriage. What more rewarding job do you have than to raise a child? Adisyn WILL make a GREAT big sister, she's just in training now and I can't wait to see her in action!
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