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Renee's Pregnancy Journal

Week 26 ~ September 2, 2002
~ The Final Round

I can't believe that I'm embarking on my third trimester! It's just so exciting to make that landmark leap! This morning I imagined myself pushing out this last baby and I was filled with emotion and tears. It's strange because whenever I've watched someone else's delivery experience on a movie in Lamaze class (lonngggggg ago) or even just on TV while folding clothes, I'd get moved to tears feeling the emotion and exhilaration of the moment. Yet, when I'm really there doing it myself, it's just as normal as loading the dishwasher or making my bed. I've done something that I set out to do, and, okay, maybe it's a little more exciting than daily housework, but I'm never filled with emotion -- just matter of fact feelings that I accomplished something important. And more than anything, I'm excited that I'm not pregnant anymore. The baby just seems like such a little stranger to me at that point that I don't feel any waves of attachment or love just yet. (Am I sounding inhumane yet? Even mother bears are probably sounding more endearing than I am).

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I guess I'm just trying to say that the feelings I've always thought I would have in the delivery room are non-existent when I'm actually there. I could even blame it on the hormonal changes, huh? (Yeah, give me a good day or so in the hospital and I turn into a basket case of emotions -- not able to talk to anyone without sobbing, and feeling the deepest need to just be alone with my baby -- and just have the rest of the world go AWAY!) If anything, I do feel a sense of awe of the miracle of birth -- that just moments before, there were only so many of us in the room (my doctor, a few nurses, my husband and I) then all of the sudden there is another person who wasn't even on the planet before taking his or her first breaths right in our presence and all through a collaborative effort of ours (mainly mine smile). Why I am getting so far into this subject so far away from my due date? I guess it's just because I had this little delivery room scenario playing out in my mind today with a conclusion much different than I've ever had before -- mostly, I think because it signifies the end of a childbirth journey that I'd begun many many years ago. So now I'm wondering if it will come close to being how I react or how I feel on that glorious day (or night) or if it will just be just the normal reaction as before.

This was the last week of "summer" for our family. School starts the day after Labor Day and since my youngest son will be in 1st grade (and they are all at a K-8 school), they will all be at school from 8:30 until 3:00 each day. I'll still have my youngest daughter at home with me, but we will have all that time every day not having to go anywhere. I have such big plans for cleaning and organization projects, scrapbooking, and who knows what else. Sure, I'll have some shopping or outside obligations every once in awhile. But boy will I love having all that time at home -- pretty much uninterrupted -- to work and work and work before this baby comes. If this pregnancy is anything like the last one -- I'm sure I'll be using some of that time near the end for taking it easy and naps, but as long as I have the health and energy, I'm excited to thrust in my sickle and work!

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