Week 34 ~ October 28, 2002
I had the strangest dream last night -- okay, maybe it could have been stranger -- but I dreamt that as I finally reached the close of this week embarking upon just 5 weeks left, I couldn't move my body very well at all. My morning workouts were definitely not doable anymore (and if you know how much I enjoy and cherish being able to workout, you could sense my bigtime disappointment with just that factor). I couldn't walk around without pain and I just needed to rest up until the baby was born. It was an awful feeling. I didn't just want to sit around -- lie around or whatever. I wanted to be able to get up and do all that I do each day! I was so relieved to awaken and realize that it was all just a dream. I appreciate my every move now more than ever!
It's odd to me that I'm not dreading these last weeks ahead. For the past 3 pregnancies, I haven't enjoyed my last few months. I just look ahead to that due date and it seems ever so far away. But not this time. It's more like when I was pregnant my first two times in my mid-20s. I have the energy and ability to do what I normally do (which is packing in as much as I possibly can in a day). I will say though that I'm trying to pace myself so I don't get too worn out -- perhaps that's helping out too.
One of my good friends just found out last week that she's pregnant. This will be her 5th child, but we haven't known each other long enough to have experienced any pregnancies together. It's been fun to compare and contrast how our past pregnancies have been and what we anticipate with these. This is the first pregnancy that she's entered after exercising regularly for several months. She's hoping that she will experience some health benefits from that. (I know I sure have!)
We were talking the other day about names. She says that she always finds out whether she's having a boy or a girl and already has the exact name (first and middle) ready to name the baby as soon as she learns the gender. She says that she really enjoys identifying with the baby as early on as possible. I'm completely the opposite. Even if I do find out if it's a boy or a girl, I still don't really identify with the baby as such yet. It still seems like someone who isn't here yet (although I feel the every movement inside) and see? I call the baby "it" or "the baby." Not to sound mean or anything, but the baby doesn't seem completely real to me until the delivery. So choosing a name already and actually calling the baby by that name while still pregnant seems so unnatural for me. I've heard others do this often and it seems so natural and real for them, but just not for me.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well, because I think I just figured out why I might be like this. Late last night (when I do all my good thinking ) I realized that this may be the result of me losing my first baby. When I lost that baby 1/2 way through my pregnancy, it almost forced me my next pregnancy not to plan on actually having that baby. What I mean is when other pregnant friends were out buying rocking chairs, I was thinking "Why are you doing that so early? Just because you go into the hospital to have a baby doesn't mean that you will come out with one." That may sound grim, but that was my experience and frame of mind. I've become much more hopeful over the years and even buy some new newborn nightgowns, newborn diapers, and such in preparation for the new baby. But it hit me last night that maybe this distance of not giving the baby a name or gender identity even just in my mind is a way to not get too attached before the delivery. It's taken me several pregnancies to figure this out, but I might just be onto something. Will this knowledge change me and how I perceive the baby right now? I doubt it. But it's nice to understand myself a bit more.