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Rose's Pregnancy Journal

Week 21
~ Agonizing Week

Well friends, this week has sucked and it's not going to get any better in the coming months. It has nothing to do with pregnancy. Alex and I are doing fine, but I am stressed beyond belief.

Ok, so we started week 21 with the beach. Yay fun. Cadence got stung by a jellyfish, but was ok and VERY brave--didn't even cry. She had several welts for a few days. During that trip my mother-in-law was rushed into emergency surgery to remove her gallbladder. She was already scheduled to have a meniscus tear repaired this Thursday. Thankfully she's fine and the tear surgery also went well.

Let's see . . . Monday I woke up with a confused feeling because of my dream. I've had lots of weird dreams, but I haven't written them down. This one basically I woke myself crying because I was so upset. Anyway, I woke up in the hospital and had a C-section scar. I was freaking out and the nurse said I had a baby girl. I said, UM NO . . . baby isn't due and I had a BOY. She showed me this baby (who was HUGE . . . like a 10 pounder . . . total butterball of a baby). I was checking for its . . . well, parts. I guess I thought it would pop out. LOL The nurse said everyone was here for it but went to my house. I came home and started crying hysterically on the floor because everything was blue and here I had this girl. And that's when I woke up.

I feel awful about that dream because I wouldn't be THAT upset if I had a girl. I mean, yeah ok maybe a bit if I had a girl after all this time of thinking it was a boy. But if God gave me a girl, I'd deal with it. I just don't want to go through pregnancy again. It's been rough getting pregnant and then staying pregnant. THIS child is a gift and I am happy with my gift.

Anyway, Tuesday my mom told me my dad was up all night puking. He has been sick on and off for more than a month. He went in for an ultrasound. Before he left the hospital they said go to CT right now. He went and had a contrast CT scan. While they waited for the results, we prayed because we knew it couldn't be good. They discharged my dad and said the doctor wants to see you in the office right away. My parents went to the physician's office and they were then told he had Metastatic Cancer. They didn't know the origin. Over the next three days, to include today, we had been waiting for tests to be done. Today he was supposed to have CTs, biopsies, endoscopy, colonoscopy, etc. They wanted to find the origin of the cancer. They only got to the endoscopy before stopping. He has stage 4 esophageal cancer which has spread to his liver, lungs and the lymph nodes behind his heart.

The tumor is inoperable and aggressive. Without treatment he has two to three months. With, six months to a year. He is 61 years old and about to die. I am losing my father. I don't know if he will see his first and only grandson. I don't know.

We are going to their house for Thanksgiving. He loves to cook and it's always been a tradition for his dinners. So this year, we are going to be with him.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and haven't slept in a few days.

God Bless,

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