I wake up every day thinking that this is a dream. It is a dream, a dream Ben and I have both had for almost 3 years now. After my diagnosis I wondered if this would ever happen. Now I'm hopeful this baby will be coming home in March. Hopeful but trepidatious. I have yet to really call this one my "rainbow baby". Being so involved with the baby loss community is a blessing with all the support but it also takes the little bit of pregnancy innocence you have left and throws it out the window. I know about everything that can go wrong. Add that to my 1% chance of having a baby without the right amount of DNA going to term, you can say I'm a bit guarded about thinking wholly positive.
Waiting for something to go wrong you see problems where there are none. You lose faith in your body. Ben and I started to worry that I haven't gained any weight. I have lost about 8 lbs total so far. Not surprising since my appetite has been low and most foods sound horrible. Only fruit and vanilla milk sounded good for the last few weeks. Trying to figure out what to eat could bring me to tears. Ok I guess the hormones might have had something to do with that last one. We both got upset about it so I did what any normal person would do, I asked facebook. A natural mother group I've been a member of since before we decided to try for a baby reminded me that not everyone is the same. I was told many a story of losing around 10 lbs in the first half of the pregnancy only to gain in the last half and ending up with a healthy chubby baby. "Trust your body" they all said. I want to, I'm learning to again.
I felt baby move for the first time. I wasn't sure and then Whoosh. Sometimes it feels like my muscles are twitching and sometimes like something fluttering. It's amazing and I have to tell myself to breathe because I'm trying to hard to be still and feel it. Bump is getting bigger. We started taking pictures. First pregnancy that we didn't start at the beginning with photos. We went to the supermarket and I picked up a lemon and told Ben to take a picture. My phone loves to use fruit to tell us how big the baby is. I think we're going to continue doing the lame fruit photos. I still can't believe I'm finally growing a bump. If you came to me in July and said I would be planning a Halloween costume to include a bump I would have laughed and then cried. No way!
The only thing I'm waiting for now is the amniocentesis. I'm scared. I talked to my belly yesterday and cried. We made it this far together and I will cherish this time always.
Week 16 | First Trimester
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Pregnancy Week-by-Week, Week 15