This week was about waiting and I hate to wait. Every hour felt like three. I knew the wait would be worse for the results. Anxiety sucks, anxiety without anything you can take to help is horrible. I'm just scared. I've been scared this whole time but a part of me said I would just miscarry again and never get this far. I hate that little voice. It's changed from "You'll miscarry" to "The baby isn't healthy". How do you silence such a voice? We bought a used doppler so we can check on the baby after the amnio. I said I didn't want one and now I NEED one. Maybe that's a bit of the voice too.
People have asked what we would do. What if the amnio comes back unbalanced? This is very hard to talk about, not just because it is the worse case scenario but because our society isn't very supportive no matter what your choice is. For us, we talked for a very long time and lots of tears were shed. I talked to mothers of unbalanced children on the BT groups I'm in and talked to friends of disabled and terminal children. I read up on medical jargon about what would be done to a child born unbalanced. A lot needed to be thought about. Would they be in pain? How many hours, days, months, years would they live? What would happen to them if we died? We decided that termination would be our choice. Heartbreaking but for us, for our family the best. Not everyone agrees with this and they don't need to. I am my baby's life support and if we are going to be given the choice to "pull the plug" we want to do that when all they have ever felt was warmth and love. Not tubes and pain. I don't want to have to make this choice. No parent should ever have to. The little voice tells me I will. I hate you voice.
Ben says everything is fine. Be positive. I want to but that horrible voice. Getting this far the risk is only about 1% but having 4 miscarriages in a row puts me in the 1%. 1% has already happened, why not again? I'm scared. I love this child so much. I have hopes and dreams for them and that doesn't include them being terminally ill and having to bury them in a tiny grave. Be positive. I focus on the grief project I'm doing and take it a day at a time.
The day comes and I want it to be over. Can I sleep through today? We get in the car and drive the 2+ hours to TMC. They bring us back after only a short wait and do an ultrasound to check on the baby. So big, so baby-like. As we wait for the doctor the tech gives us a mini anatomy scan. I think she can tell I'm freaking out. We see the heart with 4 chambers, the kidneys light up when she shows us the blood flow. Fingers make me want to kiss them. Little nose so sweet. We ask if she can tell gender and she gives us her best guess. We both cry. The doctor comes in and says baby looks so healthy she doesn't think the amnio will show any issues. We cry again. Needle time.
I won't lie. It hurt. I am instantly aware of my entire uterus. I get cramps that ebb and flow all through my lower abdomen. It's not unbearable. I breathe and focus, it's all over within two minutes. They say my fluid looks good, the right color and it's clear. They show me the baby's heartbeat and that it's moving around just as before. I cry yet again. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The cramping settles down and is gone before we get home. We rest in bed together for the rest of the night, which I loved. Lots of tears and cuddles. Now to wait. Up to two weeks we're told. We check on the heartbeat for the next couple of days just to be sure. That sound is beautiful and makes us both sleep better I think.
Did I mention I hate waiting?
Week 17 | Week 15
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