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Samantha's Pregnancy Journal

Week 21
I think I'm having a gymnast!

I can feel him move so much now. I know he'll be awake around midnight doing somersaults and kicking like mad. I know when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I'll get a jab just as I lay down. It's like a dream. As I grow larger and I feel him move more and more I am amazed. I look down at my swelling belly and I am in awe. I never thought this would happen to me. After so much pain and sadness I really did stop believing in the possibility of having a child. I truly feel blessed in every sense of the word.

Since it's November I should have expected to get sick. I get sick every year. This time I refuse to end up in the ER. I get congestion and it goes to my lungs. Then I can't breathe and the ER needs to save my butt. Not this year! Lots of lemon and honey with hot water. Some pregnancy safe essential oils on my feet, humidifier going 24/7, naps and breathing treatments. This will be my life for the next, well however long it takes.

We went to the Desert Museum and signed up for membership. We walked around and enjoyed our day in the sun together. We sat under a tree in one of the aviaries and talked about bringing our son here. Teaching him he needs to be quiet to see the deer, to hold still and watch the hummingbirds fly, to laugh as the javelina snort and whistle while running past. We want to teach him the love for wild things just as we both have. To hike and to swim and enjoy the outdoors. Finally able to talk about what we want for him, to feel that it's "safe" to talk about the future. It's a wonderful, scary feeling.

I've started having the occasional bad dream. Dreams where I'm bleeding or he's not moving. I try to push the thoughts out but I can't help it. I'm scared. I know he's healthy and the chances of something bad happening are low but I know exactly what can happen. My dreams give away all my fears to the dark of the night. They betray me. Make me weak and bring me to tears. I love this little boy so much. I love his 4 siblings and I will forever love them all. I want a smiling face to kiss. Is that so wrong?

Samantha

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