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Shannon's twin pregnancy journal

Week Twelve
~ Grasping for Hope

April 6 ~ The bleeding is down to very faint pink spotting. I am doing some of the cooking and trying to get the laundry in order (with seven in the family, there's always a mountain of dirty clothes!). I have to take it really easy though, because doing too much turns the spotting to red. One of my fellow "bed-buddies" on the bedrest board sent me to a website called Sidelines, for women with complicated pregnancies. I ordered a book from there called When Pregnancy Isn't Perfect by Laurie A. Rich and read the entire book as soon as it came. The book describes some of the major complications of pregnancy and how they are treated. All of it was terrifying and informative at the same time.

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I am now thinking the local hospital is not the place where I should deliver my babies (if I make it that far). Their chances of survival and a healthy start dramatically increase if they are born at a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), rather than going through the stress of being transferred if needed. The nearest hospital with a NICU is at least 35 miles away! Since my last child was born so early and quickly, I wonder if we could make it in time. I wonder if my doctor can deliver there or if I would need to change doctors. I also wonder about the probability of my eventually being placed on total bedrest, possibly even hospitalized for an extended period. Thirty-five miles away from my other children?! And what if the babies need to remain hospitalized after I am released? So many questions to be answered, some will just have to wait until the time comes.

I feel a few flutters about four to five inches down from my navel on a left diagonal. This is right around where the ultrasounds showed my babies residing. Could it be them? Or just wishful thinking? It seems too early, even though this is my sixth pregnancy and there are two of them in there. I try not to worry too much when I don't feel the flutters anymore.

A friend on the October Mom's board left a message for me on the bedrest board. She'd miscarried over the weekend. I cried for her and for myself. We shared the same due date. I replied to her post with the promise to call (we live only 35 miles apart and had talked about meeting for lunch one day) but I just couldn't pick up the phone. What could I say? All the pregnancy books tell us when we reach the end of the first trimester, the chance of miscarriage drops. Even though I'm nearly to that point, I'm not sure how that information would apply to me. I'm carrying twins and already experiencing complications. She was almost there and lost her baby with the magic week in sight. How could I offer hope and encouragement when I have so little for myself?

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