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Shauna's Pregnancy Journal

Week 12 - June 5, 2006
~ A Heartbeat

I had my second doctor's appointment this week. We talked about my specialist appointment coming up in July, whether I will want amniocentesis or not (I won't) and other considerations of my over-35 pregnancy. All my blood tests were normal, everything seems to be going fine, and I have felt pretty darn good all week. Amazing!

Then, using a Doppler, my doctor searched for the baby's heartbeat-and searched-and searched-and searched-and found it! We listened for what seemed an indulgently long time, just listening. Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump. It was beautiful. I have two wonderful children, but this is something I have never experienced before-a child growing in my own womb. It is somehow haunting and terrifying and magnificent all at the same time.

I figured if anything was going to get me emotional during this pregnancy, it would be hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and I was right. I didn't cry, although a tear may have slipped out, but I did get extremely thoughtful. It's just a small sound, but it is rhythmic and musical and wonderful. It is tiny, but signifies something so much grander. There is a life being created, day by day, cell by cell, part by part. Heartbeat by heartbeat.

For that day, I felt poetic and magic and lyrical. Words and thoughts swirled in my head in wonderfully evocative ways, and I felt so connected to the world's grandeur as well as its tiniest miracle. I should have stopped to write at that point, to set some of those descriptive thoughts down on paper. Instead I got caught up in the moment, enjoying the full awareness of the instant, but leaving little to savor later on.

So here I am now, trying to capture some of those elusive thoughts and only managing to touch the flavor of the edges, and missing entirely the rich depth of sensation and wonder. But perhaps it is enough to stir the memories and get in touch with that tiny heartbeat once again . . .

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