Week 18 - July 18, 2006
This has been a much more difficult week than I could have imagined. My hormones must be raging something fierce, because my emotions have been all over the map. I was hoping that pondering on that little fetus I saw in the ultrasound last week would cheer me up and get me excited about this pregnancy, and in some ways it did. However, quite the opposite also happened (making me a regular Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde). The ultrasound made everything absolutely TOO real, and I became angry and afraid all over again. I lashed out at my husband. I became utterly depressed. I started thinking of ways I could "get out" of this pregnancy (what if I rode the Tower of Terror a few times in a row?). Of course, all these thoughts, in my more rational moments, made me quite ashamed of myself, and I also started feeling guilty.
Too many emotions. Too much anxiety. I am too, too pregnant. I have found that these journal entries actually salvage my sanity. There is something very therapeutic in putting my thoughts down in writing. I can never stay too depressed when I write this journal, and it helps me keep everything in perspective. Still, I have been apprehensive about writing this week, exactly because I don't seem to have any control or understanding of the range of my feelings this week. I have some good friends who tell me I am quite normal, and I should not be ashamed of the anger or depression. And as I never seem to stay in one emotional state very long, I do not fear that I am losing touch with my base in reality. And yet, this roller coaster ride can be very vexing.
One of the "up" portions of this week was spreading the news about our forthcoming son. Although most of my friends and family have been aware of my little saga these many months, there were quite a few of my long-distance friends with whom I had not yet communicated. I took the opportunity of the ultrasound to send out a more general announcement to all of our friends, and I have been relishing all the emails and phone calls that have been a result. I have even felt equal to the many wishes of congratulations.
So between the ups and the downs of my emotions, I endure. Many days I feel like I am just biding my time. It is hard to think that I am only about half way through this adventure, and yet, it is gratifying to know that I have made it half way through! I am jealous of my friends whose due date is within the coming month, and yet I am terrified for my own delivery. In the meantime I have two wonderful, high energy children who are trying to enjoy a very hot summer. So we go on with our lives, finding pleasure in the little things every day that make life worth while.