Week 37 - November 21, 2006
~ The Waiting Game
Another week down. Time seems to creep by in slow and measured increments. Pain continues more or less intense on different days and different times, but it doesn't seem to be leading to any imminent productivity. So we wait. I try to get a project done here and there, but I don't have the energy or stamina to do much. I rest a lot, read, watch a bit of TV or movies--existence in a holding pattern. Sleep is more elusive and thus more desperately desired. I set little milestone goals--just make it until Rose's nap time, until Paul comes home from work, until the kids are in bed, until Thanksgiving Day. And so, little by little, time passes, unhurried and unproductive (except that baby is growing bigger and stronger and more ready to face the outside world), and I am able to cross off another day on the calendar.
<I have been able to do some online Christmas shopping, spend time talking with old friends on the phone, play with Rose, make a craft with Fred, lavish attention on my cats (who are the only ones who seem to relish the long hours I find myself in bed or on the couch). I have done a lot of thinking, reflecting, reading. At least I am not feeling depressed. Bored, yes. Weary, indeed. Anxious, most definitely. But December 1st is coming, steadily if slowly.
Baby continues to twitch and squirm in his tight and confined position. We will meet him soon. I am too depleted these days to think too much of the joy that will bring, except in the fact that he will no longer be inside me. That is my whole goal and purpose--just getting him out.
Then, oh then, I can recover. Then I will be a mother again--and life will regain its focus, spark and delight. The holidays are upon us. It will be a wonderful time to welcome a new child. I just have to wait a little longer.