Weeks 5 - 7
~ Discovery and Depression
It was Sunday morning, April 9, and I was getting ready for church. I was feeling a little crampy, and I figured it must be time for my period to start, so I went to the calendar to check. I almost fell over when I realized that I was already nearly a week and half late in starting! Well, I thought, this is unusual, but I had gotten VERY sick the month before, so maybe that put it off, and I was getting ready to have a doozy right now. But, as the day wore on, and I still didn't start, I felt weirder and weirder. I sat in my bed most of the day and read pregnancy symptoms. I couldn't be pregnant, could I? Not after all these years of infertility. How could it be possible?
First thing Monday morning, I went grocery shopping and tossed in a home pregnancy test (two, in fact-they were on sale, buy one get one free). At home, I took the test, but the lines were faint and unclear, though it sort of indicated a positive result. I was glad to have the second test to try, but I thought I would wait a couple hours, so I took my son to school and my daughter to park day, but by lunchtime, I gave it another shot. This time it screamed POSITIVE!!! I called my husband at work, and he was tickled. We were going to have a baby.
Later that afternoon, my son had a doctor's appointment with our family doctor, so I also took that opportunity to mention that I thought I might be pregnant, and after our doctor nearly fell off his stool in surprise, he tossed me a urine cup and I was out the door. Within two minutes, that result confirmed that I was pregnant. He charted a preliminary due date based on my last period, told me I was at the 5 week mark, and then we discussed OB/GYN's.
Afterwards, I sat in the car outside the doctor's office, stunned into inaction. I couldn't seem to move at all. I called my husband, Paul, on the cell phone to let him know that the doctor corroborated that I was indeed pregnant. He giggled. I was numb. Paul told me that our adoption case worker just called--I was scheduled to deliver a letter and pictures of our two year old daughter for her birth mother for Easter. (I also wrapped up some newborn outfits and a cuddly blanket for her newborn son, which, incidentally, she had asked us to adopt as well until she decided to keep him.) I still couldn't seem to move, so I called our case worker, Kyle. He told me that the birth mother just contacted him, and now she may be reconsidering placing her baby with us--are we still interested? I don't even need to think about it. We spent seven months of her pregnancy "expecting" that baby, loving that anticipated child, thinking of him as a member of our family--even though he didn't come to us, I still love him and hope for him, so YES, we still want to be considered for placement. But, um, Kyle, there was now a new development . . . I was pregnant.
Although, in the adoption agency we are working with, pregnancy automatically puts your file on hold, Kyle told me we could certainly get special permission for this adoption since the child is related to one of our other adopted children. So we let him know we are a "go" if the birth mother changes her mind. Could my life get any crazier???
Back at home, my numbness just grew stronger. I was shocked and in utter disbelief. There was something exciting in the surprise of the truth, but now I needed to let it set in, and as I pondered the reality of being pregnant, I got depressed. It may seem strange that for someone who so much wanted another child, to be given her wish, she would then become depressed over the news. But that was my reality. Sure we had some tough times in our adoption stories, but overall, it was a pretty great way to go for us. And now, after all that, I was pregnant, and going to have to be pregnant for the next 8 months. This utterly depressed me, and terrified me, and angered me . . .
My depression only got worse over the next couple weeks as the reality sunk in and morning sickness started. I wasn't sleeping well, getting up 10 or 20 times a night, and when I did sleep I had strange and vivid dreams that disturbed me when I woke. I got a bad cold that was going around, and things got worse-I was congested, my sinuses were full of painful pressure, and I became chilled and feverish. After several days of this, things slowly got better, but I emerged on the other side with full blown nausea. Then I added gas, bloating and constipation. I was starting to sleep better, but I was still continually exhausted.
We began telling our family and friends about our pregnancy, and though some were sympathetic to my reaction, most were so excited that they would not tolerate me feeling depressed over such an amazing miracle. This, of course, depressed me even more. And then we started hearing all the stories of how typical this was-we adopted and then we got pregnant-great, just what I wanted to be: a statistic. Let's just say that there was not much that made feel happy yet. I had a few good friends to talk to who allowed and even indulged my negative feelings, which really helped me feel a lot better. I guess I just needed someone to understand that this whole situation caught me so off guard, and I wasn't prepared to jump in yet, and I needed time to work through all my emotions.
It seems like it's going to be a long year . . .