~ February 25, 2003
I was thinking of waiting until tomorrow to write my weekly journal but then I had a dreaded thought and felt I truly needed to get this over with today, because this next week won't be an easy week for me. It was 8 years ago, on exactly this date, February 25, 1995, that my first baby, Alex, died within me the day before he was due. This is, without a doubt, never an easy time for me, although, admittedly, it has gotten better over the years. My pregnancy with Nicky was fortunate enough, since my feelings were still so incredibly raw at the time, not to pass through this period. I got pregnant in late March and Nicky was born in late November, missing February and the anniversaries altogether.
The 3 hour glucose test came back normal . . . even low! This is, of course, great news, I do not have gestational diabetes, which is, of course, great news.
My next doctor'ss visit will be next week, on March 5th, and I am anxious to see my peanut again, if they will do a quick ultrasound (they have machines in the office), and also eager to hear when we'll start all of these tests and when an amnio will be scheduled. I am not looking forward to them; I just want to get them out of the way and I hope with all my might that they will tell me that the baby will be okay.
I've been feeling pretty good physically. Mentally I am still in my state where I try not to think about it too much, perhaps meaning I try not to get too excited. After all, I know first hand how things can go wrong. Strangely, I don't feel like I am doing this on purpose, rather, it's something my subconscious does automatically, like a defense mechanism that activates instinctively. I find that irritating and reassuring at the same time . . . does that make sense? Hmmm . . .
I found some pictures of Greg as a little kid and he was soooo cute! Nicky looks exactly like me, and so do my cousins and my nieces, so I know I have a lot of genes that tend to be dominant, however, if this child will end up looking just like his daddy, I would be the happiest mom on earth!
Not much else at this point, just trying to keep my head on straight, my wits about me and moving on, one day at a time.