~ March 11, 2003
I've been feeling sooo . . . "blah" lately. Not big enough to wear maternity clothes, always starving to death, which made me already gain at least 10lbs, and just the overall feeling of not looking pregnant, yet feeling very pregnant. So . . . blah. I feel overweight, with a reason, but the reason isn't showing yet. Sigh! Ahhh, this stage downright sucks big time.
Thankfully this is about the time when things should start changing fast. Surely within a month or so the belly will be out there. We'll see. Other than that I was happy that my son is back in school so I have some extra time for myself, but I am finding myself a bit overwhelmed. Right now that I want to concentrate in submitting my articles to magazines to see if I can get a publisher interested in my columns, I have no time because several clients, who are usually quiet and give me no work, pick these couple of weeks of all time to overflow me with work, and I do mean overflow me. This is okay because I do get some money which I desperately need, but it sucks because it puts my other plans in serious delay, plus I only have the computer in the morning and for an hour or so in the afternoon, so I have to do all of this stuff in a few hours. I would have time in the evening after Nicky goes to sleep but I am so exhausted by then my brain is fried.
On another note, I did have a doctor's appointment last week and it went good actually. At the last appointment they told me I had to start drinking more because my kidneys were suffering so I've been trying really hard to drink up and now that problem is under control. We heard the heartbeat and it sounded just fine as well. The doctor checked my belly and also told me the size of the uterus is about right too. On a comical note, now that I finally got to meet and see the doctor, I had to discuss with him the plans I have for my delivery. I have so many 'wants' I thought for sure he would give me a hard time as the OBGYN gave me with Nicky. First, this baby needs to be a scheduled C-section, which I didn't think would be a problem requesting since they were already asking and giving me the choice because Nicky was c-section. Hence, when I told him, it was no problem. Then I wanted him to have this scheduled c-section in my 38th week because I am deathly afraid of seeing my 39th or 40th week since Alex died at the end of my 39th week, and before I could even spout out my wants and needs he said, "Just so you know, we do scheduled C-sections at 38 weeks." What? No fight? No explaining reasons? I laughed and told him I loved it.
Now, on to the cause of much of my stress. They scheduled an amnio on April 21st. I will be around 20 weeks by then. I am deathly afraid of this amnio. If I find out this baby has anything wrong with him or her, it will be the end of me. There is no way that I could, financially or emotionally, go through another funeral, nor have the strength to raise another handicapped child. Nicky is such a 24 hour job. What will I do if I find out something is wrong? My heart tells me it would be best for everyone, including and mostly the baby, if I end the suffering before it even begins. I know most pro-lifers would hate me for saying this, but most pro-lifers aren't raising children that are in pain every day and/or never had to bury their own child. Another mom in my shoes told me she'll be there for me no matter what and I appreciate it. I have now rethought my plan of starting to telling more friends and family about my pregnancy until AFTER the amnio. Just in case . . .