~ April 15, 2003
I keep thinking back on Nicky's pregnancy after losing Alex. This one is so different. Worse and better at the same time. I have some fears that weren't there before, and other fears have subsided. For example, now I know why Alex was stillborn, while when I was pregnant with Nicky I did not. I had no idea and since I already miscarried before, my greatest fear was that the baby would just 'die' inside of me . . . again. After Nicky was born, of course, the whole EB ordeal was revealed, EB, the monster that killed Alex, that most likely caused the miscarriage, and the disorder that plagues my precious Nicky. Knowing how EB is inherited, now I know that this child will not have EB, hence I shouldn't be worried about a stillbirth, a late miscarriage or another disabled child, but . . . do I? When I was pregnant with Nicky, I never once thought that the child could be disabled. I never worried about that, my main fear was death. Now that I know how excruciatingly difficult it is to raise a disabled child, that reality is only too vivid in my mind. I am constantly worried if this baby will be okay. While I know he or she won't have EB, I still worry that he might not be okay and have some other malady, no matter how low the odds are. I still worry that the baby might die at any time as well. I guess certain fears cannot be wiped away so simply.
Many people, relatives and friends tell me that I've got to think positive, that the baby will be okay, and I have a hard time believing them because everyone told me my Alex would be okay, and in turn told me that Nicky would be okay. Why would I believe them now? I can't. The best I can do is not to think about it, so I won't stress and dwell on it. I will surely feel better about it after the results of the amnio come in. The most helpful people and comments I received are those people, like my parents, who can totally understand my fears, the friend that told me that if there was something wrong with this child I must be the unluckiest person on the planet (that actually helps!) etceteras.
I've had also a couple of dreams about the baby, and it's always a boy! I do have a gut feeling it is a boy, and seeing what my husband goes through with his 13 year old daughter I really hope it is a boy! A boy would surely be easier to raise. And I NEED easy stuff at this point or I might just go insane. The ultrasound/amnio is next monday, so I might know the sex of the baby as early as Monday of next week. If they can't tell then, surely after the amnio results come back I'll know. Even though I do want a boy, I will be crying for joy if it's a girl.