~ July 31, 2003
I feel like this is the 'final stretch' but I am not really tired of being pregnant yet! I know that these next few weeks I will grow even more, and I might feel at that point that one more day is one more 'dreadful' day, but something tells me that just won't happen. I know why too. I've always loved being pregnant, and I am just scared of Connor coming out and finding out there is something wrong with him. My pregnancies have been so blissful, it was the 'afterwards' that was just plain painful. Alex being stillborn, and Nicky being diagnosed with EB. And, of course, it does not help that some incredibly inconsiderate person signed my guestbook for Alex's site in a nasty way, telling me how 'tacky' it is to take pictures of a dead baby. Some people have no common decency or respect for other's tragedies.
I had a moment of despair last Sunday too. I was changing Nicky's bandages and he was crying out in pain and I just started sobbing. If there is something wrong with this baby too, I am not sure what I am going to do!!! Thankfully these moments are far and few in between. I know how important it is for me to keep thinking positive for the baby's sake.
Last Friday we did another ultrasound and everything seems to be going okay. We also started the weekly NST tests. I will go every Friday from now until birth. Yesterday I also had a regular appointment with the doctor and she confirmed that the C-section is scheduled for September 5th. I am due to check in at 9:30am and the actual surgery will be at 12:00 noon. I am scared, yet happy, go figure.
What I do find irritating, however, is that every new flipping person that sees me (new nurse, new physician assistant, every new person in the medical field that sees me) asks me "Why" I need to see the perinatologist, why I have to have all these extra tests, why I have to have NSTs and on and on . . . WHY? Look at my chart for crying out loud! A stillborn, followed by a miscarriage, followed by a son with a severe birth defect, and I am 39 years old for crying out loud! Hello??? I deserve to be treated with gloves and I resent all these questioning. Hormones rampaging don't help either . . . sigh.