~ August 14, 2003
Lots of feelings this week! I am getting more and more nervous as time moves on, the closer I get to September 5th, the more worried I feel. I worry about everything . . . that something will go wrong with the c-section, that the baby will not be okay, that the baby will die inside of me once again . . . These feelings are intensifying every day and they are very hard to shake off. I have just about three more weeks to go, can I make it without losing it?
This week I also came to the realization that the name we picked for the baby, Connor, is definitely the right name for the baby, but to explain that I have to go back a few years. Back in 1994, the song 'Tears in Heaven' came on the radio on my way to work one day, and the DJ stated that Eric Clapton wrote that song for his son who had died in an accident. This was before I lost Alex, yet listening to the song this time (I had heard it before) was a completely different experience, as the words took up new meaning. I remember feeling profoundly sad, almost like I "knew" what it all felt like. I was pregnant with Alex at the time, so it was a very real thing to me. A few months later, in 1995, I was in labor with Alex knowing he would be stillborn. Not an ideal situation for anyone to be in, to say the least. During the labor, which lasted most of the day, the TV that was in the room was on a channel that would repeat itself every hour or so. During that hour they also played a couple of videos, and one of them was "Tears in Heaven" . . . hence, I heard that song over and over again while awaiting to give birth to Alex, and that song became very important to me. Even when I listen to it today it brings tears to my eyes as I feel this strong spiritual connection with Alex anytime I hear it. Fast forward to 2003, last week to be exact. I finally came across a 'baby names' book that I've been looking for since earlier this year, a book that I have had since the late eighties or early nineties, and I wanted to see what the book said about 'Connor'. The only reference to Connor (actually Conor with one n) was on a page of celebrities children's names. When I went to take a peek at which celebrity named their child Conor, I was petrified. It was Eric Clapton. I just stood there in disbelief for a while, then I went on the internet to find out if this Conor was indeed the child that died and that Clapton wrote the song for. Sure enough, it was. I don't know if this is karma, divine intervention, or just pure chance, but it sure made me realize there is no better name for this baby than Connor. I almost feel as if part of Alex will come back with him, call me crazy.
Aside all of this, I feel good. Big, but good. Eating is becoming harder though! I cannot eat very big meals or I will eat the meal for hours, that's where the Tums and Sparkling water comes in very handy! Today I have another OBGYN appointment and tomorrow another NST. Here's hoping and praying everything is A-OK!