~ February 3, 2003
I have to be honest, I felt like I lived in a bubble this week-not really thinking about being pregnant, or being excited, or anything. I did not realize my numbing state until last night when I was feeling a little relieved that I survived-or, rather-the baby survived, the 7th week. I miscarried my second pregnancy at the beginning of week 7. Then I realized I did not even think about the pregnancy at all, almost like I put a wall around me to protect me from the possibility of another loss. The feelings were definitely somber.
Then a thought came to my mind. I really should lighten up. I don't yet look pregnant, so it's no wonder it's hard to really believe that I am. I think it's probably going to be easier and hard to forget that I am pregnant, while a belly is in front of me 24 hours a day. This is one of those times that I wish I would already be showing. Of course hubby would love that too. He loves pregnant women and keeps asking me when he's going to see the belly! LOL. A couple of more months, I think, or, perhaps sooner.
I did get out of my shell and told a few more friends about my pregnancy. These are women who would be there for me if something was to go wrong, so I felt safe. Also my aunt called me after talking to my mom giving me her best congratulations. I want sooooo bad for things to go well, I don't think people can really understand how it's like not being able to take anything for granted. Not a day goes by that I actually believe that come September I will have a healthy baby in my arms. It feels more like a dream for me, and everyone else around me is having this dream, while my reality has always been quite different. Sigh . . .