Week 10 ~ November 8 - 14, 2006
My journal this week has been harder to write than any journal I have ever done, I suppose that is part of the reason it took so long to write it. When I was pregnant with Hannah everything was new and exciting. I was working and enjoying my job. My best friend from high school was going through her pregnancy the same time I was; her son was born 11 days after Hannah. Sean was thrilled about the baby and everyone in our lives was so excited. Each week, whether I was having morning sickness or exhaustion or headaches, was special. People were always asking how I was feeling, how the baby was; and I was more than happy to share.
This time around I don't feel as excited. I know that a baby is a blessing. I feel that this baby is, for us, Hannah and our families. But the excitement I felt with Hannah just isn't here. I know some of it has to do with the fact that we haven't shared the pregnancy with very many people yet. My mom and sister know and some of my former co-workers (who I never speak to) know. But my friends don't know and Sean's family doesn't know. Part of me feels that if, when, we tell them they'll get excited and the excitement will rub off on me. But more than anything there is fear that what if we do tell them and nothing about how I feel changes.
I've been thinking “Okay, what are the reasons I'm not so excited this time?” The main reason is Hannah. She'll be young when this baby is born. I worry about how she'll react and the changes she'll have to deal with. She hasn't spent time with babies younger than her and she doesn't know how to deal with having a baby around. She'll also have to deal with getting a new room. Sean and I have decided to move Hannah across the hall and let the new baby sleep in her current room. We don't know if we'll need another crib or if Hannah will be in a toddler bed but either way it will be a big change for her.
The other thing is that before we got pregnant with Hannah we had a lot of time to get excited and anxious about going through a pregnancy. I went off the pill several months before we started trying to get pregnant and when we found out friends of ours were expecting the desire to have a baby was so strong that we practically made it a mission. Then, once we saw the positive pregnancy test, we were giddy. With this baby I wasn't really ready. I had said to myself “Well, I'll go off the pill and maybe get pregnant in a few months, when I'm ready.” Then, to find out I was pregnant right away, was a bit terrifying. It wasn't the thrilling experience I'd had with Hannah.
More than anything I think I am expecting too much. I'm expecting the pregnancies to be the same. I'm expecting to feel the same when my life this time is completely different than it was last time. I love the baby growing inside of me. I think about it all the time and I can't wait to meet it and have it be a part of our family. I just wish I wasn't so worried about the future and I could enjoy this pregnancy the way I enjoyed my pregnancy with Hannah. I knew the decision to have a second child would be difficult. I just never expected to be so consumed by the feelings of anxiety that I'm having right now.