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Susan Michelle's Pregnancy Journal

Week 35
~ Why am I second-guessing myself?

I'm almost there! It's 35 weeks! Thursday brought my bi-weekly appointment with Dr. E, my OB. Everything seemed to be fine with the normal things you review during a visit. My glucose, protein, blood pressure and weight gain were all-fine. The baby is starting to measure a week ahead again. Dr. E said that the difference wasn't a big deal because he could tell that Aidan had moved out of my pelvic region a bit and was back up again (he was still head down though). The one thing that Dr. E is a bit concerned about is that once a week (usually on a Saturday into Sunday), Aidan doesn't move, kick, etc., as much as he should and then I have to go in for an NST (Non-Stress Test). Dr. E and I talked about fetal movement counting and he gave me a chart to keep track of everything throughout the next few weeks. Did I mention that I broke down and started to take the antibiotic that Cheri, my Midwife, prescribed for me yesterday? It's a five-day regime. Hopefully I'll get some relief by the end of the week. She did warn me that it could get worse before it gets better. Here's hoping she's wrong about that.

I've started to swell a bit in the past few days. It's not really bad but, unfortunately, I thought about taking my wedding band off but then I became side tracked and forgot to. Now I can't get it off. I guess in reality, it's not a bad thing because Paul bought me a cheaper gold band to wear while I was pregnant in case this would happen. I guess I let it go a bit because I feel naked without my ring. The other thing that happened is that Morgan went nuts when Paul and I were talking about me having to have my ring taken off/cut off. She told me that I couldn't do that because I wouldn't be married anymore. We tried talking to her several times but nothing helps. I've tried everything that I could think of and even posted on StorkNet asking the ladies for suggestions. Nothing has worked yet. I can still move it a bit so I'm going to give it a few days and see how it goes. Maybe I'll get lucky and my finger will go down enough, one of these tricks I've learned about will work. We'll see.

I had my NST on Friday with Natalie (RN) again. Everything went pretty well. Aidan cooperated and we discussed fetal movement and/or lack thereof. I know that I'm supposed to call as soon as something isn't right but sometimes I just feel like I'm whining. Dr. B and Natalie both told me that I know my body and not to second-guess myself and my feelings (they are behind me 100%). Why am I doing that lately? I usually just go with it and follow through without questioning myself. My emotions lately have been up and down. I'm going to talk to Dr. E, my OB, about that next week. I want Aidan to bake a while longer on one side of the coin and then the other side of the coin, my feelings, is just take him now. One minute I'm nervous about his lack of movement, the next I'm fine with everything and feel that everything/Aidan is okay.

On Saturday I understood what Cheri meant by "It can get worse before it gets better" with regard to taking this antibiotic. I feel like crap! It's hard because I want to lie down but I can't get comfortable and as soon as I get comfortable, I can't breathe. I haven't had a cold like this in a long time. Here's hoping that it goes away and/or starts to go away in the next few days. I'm trying so hard to do things with the kids, clean the house, etc., and I'm falling short. I'm glad that Paul is working nights because he's at least playing with the kids and giving me a break. I became short with the kids today and yelled. I then lost it and started to cry because I'm not like that. I felt horrible about yelling, losing my temper. The stupid thing is that it wasn't over anything really important. I felt even worse when the kids came up and gave me a hug telling me that it was okay because I wasn't feeling well and asked what they could do to help me. Bless their hearts; they were trying to take care of me, comfort me. I'm supposed to be taking care of them, comforting them. I took Paul up on his offer of going to lie down for a bit by myself. I'm glad I did. I felt better when I came downstairs. I sat down with the kids and apologized again for my words, my actions.

I started to feel a bit better on Sunday but we opted not to go to church because I didn't want to overdo it. I felt bad because I don't like missing church and plus it was Palm Sunday. The kids were disappointed but we ended up having a nice time.

By Monday and Tuesday, I was feeling better again. I'm hoping that this is the end for this cold and I can start doing more with the kids again, around the house. My Mom is finally starting to talk to me about her actions and her words last week. She hasn't apologized yet (which bothers me a bit) but at least we're talking and she's trying to work things out. Note to self, remember this when Morgan, Shane and Aidan are older. Don't feel that you don't have to apologize for something just because you are their Mom. I hope that doesn't sound horrible saying that. Being a Mom is a life lesson and my mom is still learning life lessons herself about herself, being a Mom, etc. I've always said that I want to be half of the Mother that she has been to me. Maybe what my problem is that she was knocked off of the pedestal that I have her on and I saw her as a human, a woman. There's a lesson for me there also.

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