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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 10 ~ August 19, 2005
~ Never a Dull Moment

CONFESSION TIME - I had such a chocolate craving this week that I made 1/4 of a batch of brownie batter and ate it all. I told myself that only totals 3 brownies, so that's not so bad. However I won't make that mistake again because it made me soooo sick to my stomach which was all I needed after working so hard to feel better.

This week I was back to feeling bad most all the time, so they increased my dosage on the IV by 25%. I felt the difference the next day. However I have been running a low grade temperature between 99 and 100.7 for days and when the nausea takes a break the achiness from the temp becomes pretty noticeable. The home care nurse thought the temp was from dehydration but I have to test for Ketones (detect dehydration) every day and have been negative for 6 days in a row so it's definitely not that. The home care nurse said I need to tell the doctor to see if there is some source of infection causing the temperature. The doctor said the low grade temp is not abnormal and to just let her know if it spikes or if I prefer I could come in for blood tests to rule out infections. WELL since the cause of Cecilia's death was viral, I high tailed it into the office for the blood tests and luckily they did not show any infections. I SWEAR I don't know anyone who has been like this during pregnancy, but the home care nurse says there are many women like me which didn't necessarily make me feel better, maybe just less alone. You know what they say, misery loves company. Not that I would wish this on anyone, just helps to know I am not a freak of nature.

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Chris's birthday was on Saturday, and I was so sick I couldn't do anything to celebrate. I felt so bad for him. He planned a little cookout celebration but then it rained so he didn't get to have it. Luckily about 10 of our neighbors all showed up together about 9:00pm with gifts and drinks and they had a party in the garage. I felt bad they had to stay in the garage, but I couldn't handle a party in the house and it was originally supposed to be outside and no one seemed to mind. The poor guy is also sleep deprived from having to get up in the middle of the night to change the syringe in my IV. It has run out in the middle of the night 3 times this week. It alarms when it is empty and you can't turn it off. You have to change it to get it to stop.

Tuesday was my best day so far. I felt closer to normal than I have in weeks. I was laughing and joking with Chris and was up and around a lot more than in past weeks. But alas it was not to last. The next day I had some spotting at work and became completely hysterical. I didn't have any spotting with my last pregnancy. I held back the tears until I got from the bathroom to my co-worker's (very good friend) office and closed the door. All I could do was cry. I couldn't even dial the phone. I was paralyzed with fear. My friend called the doctor, Chris picked me up and we went right in. They did an exam and an ultrasound. She said everything looked fine, the cervix is closed and that it just happens sometimes. The ultrasound was incredible though because the baby no longer looks like a jellybean as it did 2 weeks ago. It looks like a real baby. The head and arms and legs and abdomen were very well defined and we also saw the 2 sides of the brain already developing and s/he was moving his/her arms and legs and squirming all around. I also ordered a medical grade fetal doppler this week. Supposed to be here in 2-5 business days. I will be so glad to have it to listen to the heartbeat anytime I want. I cannot wait.

Here's hoping next week is much less eventful.

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