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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 12 ~ September 2, 2005
~ Get out of here 1st Trimester and take this morning sickness with you

LAST WEEK of the first trimester - HALLELUJAH. It cannot be over soon enough. I just want this sickness to subside and never look back - except maybe if we get a crazy idea about having another one. I have still been feeling nauseated all the time so I decided to take the IV out to see if it was making any difference and it seems like it was actually making me feel worse. Not only was I still nauseated, but I had all the side effects of the medicine including constipation, headaches, loss of appetite which was more like total food aversion, and not to mention the welts and bruises from having to move the needle stick to a new location on my legs every day. I got up the next morning after taking it out and didn't have the pounding headache and was able to drink a 7up and eat a chicken biscuit. Normally there would be no way I could drink anything but water, and I would have to force myself to take a few bites of cereal.

I've had to start thinking about telling friends and family about the pregnancy. People at work and neighbors already know since it's been pretty obvious for several weeks now and I told a few very, very close friends and family. I struggle with telling a select group of others for reasons not completely related to fear. Anyone who has lost a child knows that many people can be very loving and supportive but there are others who turn away or hide from the tragedy and the grieving parents. This was something I did not expect. I tried for awhile to believe that it just hurt them too much to see us, but it's been seven months; are they EVER going to come back? After Cecilia's funeral these people just fell off the face of the earth. I did attempt to discuss this issue with one of the disappearing friends and she said and I quote, "I just felt like you needed space and time to be alone and no one really knows what to say about the baby." I told her that I was feeling isolated and although we are not EXACTLY the same as before, the people who have been around us on a daily basis seem to be adjusting ok to who we are now. This conversation has been followed by three more months of silence. For this reason, I have chosen not to share my news with these folks. I guess they will eventually hear it through the grapevine or bump into me at the grocery store when I am as big as a house. Regardless of how it happens they will hopefully learn that when you don't speak to someone for seven months, you can miss a hell of a lot - good and bad.

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We finally got the doppler to work this week. It took a few minutes but we found the heartbeat on my left side and listened for a very long time. It was GREAT and it also took some of the stress out of my doctor appointment the next day, going in knowing I'd just heard the heartbeat 12 hours earlier. After the appointment, Chris asked if it was ok to announce our pregnancy at his office meeting that afternoon. I was a little surprised that that he'd check with me first, but had no objections to it. I don't know why I thought people at his office already knew. Guess I forget that he's not walking around with obvious signs of impending parenthood like I am. My office always sends out an e-mail titled Special Delivery when someone is ready to announce their pregnancy but I asked that they not send one out for me. I told my team which consists of 12 people, and figured it would just get around to the other 60 people in the office or eventually become obvious, but some people don't pay a lot of attention and when I came in wearing a form fitting dress the other day I got a lot of double takes but only one woman asked if I was pregnant. I guess I am putting people in an awkward position, but I just feel like if I don't announce it, then people won't feel like the door is open to ask a lot of questions.

We went to the hospital this week for a level 2 ultrasound and Nuchal Translucency test. I did not anticipate how hard it would be to go to the Labor and Delivery unit. It hit me on the way there - where I was actually going. I started getting upset and when I got there it became worse. I checked in at the front desk and then to the lobby and cried. The last time I was there, all our dreams for the future were shattered. I sure hope this fear of L&D wears off since I have to go in for level 2 ultrasounds every month and then later every week. The doctor who saw us was the one who confirmed the loss of our daughter and I was shocked that he remembered us. That was the one and only time he saw us during our last pregnancy. I didn't mention anything to him about it; he just walked in and said, "Ohhhh I remember you. Were you given any reasons for the stillbirth?" I told him about the findings of Viral Encephalitis and he seemed relieved, He said it isn't something that would happen again. Anyway, the ultrasound looked good and the measurements were indicating that everything is normal. They will give me the results of the tests in five days. He also recommended taking Vitamin B6 for the nausea so I am beginning that today. Cross your fingers for me!!

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