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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 13 ~ September 8, 2005
~ A few highs and lows to report this week

We received our test results this week and are very happy with the news. Before the test, my risk for Down Syndrome due to maternal age was 1 in 294. After the test, my risk was lowered to 1 in 3,361. My risk of Trisomy 18 & 13 was lowered from 1 in 150 to 1 in 3,289. For this reason we will not be doing an amnio, which carries a 1 in 200 chance of miscarriage. I honestly would never discourage or encourage anyone regarding amnio; it's totally a personal choice and a highly valuable test. It's just that when you've been a 1 in 200, statistic the number doesn't seem so low anymore. That concludes this week's math lesson.

I've had another very difficult week nausea-wise, and my frustration level is through the roof. My days consist of dragging myself into the office for as long as I can stand and then coming home and collapsing on the couch. I spend hours just wishing I could throw up to get rid of this disgusting feeling for a few minutes. Although I know that it's better that I am not vomiting, I just want some kind of relief.

I spent the labor day weekend on the couch watching a "Special Delivery" marathon on Discovery Health. I am not sure if this was a good idea or not, but I find some sort of comfort in seeing the distressed babies get saved. Then I switch to feeling very jealous and upset that my baby couldn't be saved. I found myself listening closely to hear if any of these women previously had a stillborn and one couple on the last day of the marathon was in this situation. The narrator said Mr. and Mrs. So and So are expecting their first child, and then later went on to say they previously had a stillborn. This misconception is a problem that I face every day. This is their second child. Why do people pretend the other child did not exist? She carried him and delivered him and buried him. Why doesn't society acknowledge him? I even find myself battling these issues in the doctor's office and hospital. As we all know, when filling out the forms, you have to list the number of previous pregnancies and check the box for the outcome. And I get so angry when the choices are live birth or spontaneous abortion (miscarriage)/abortion. It is simply cruel to make me check a box that could lead someone to misconstrue that I aborted my daughter. There is always a blank for further explanation, but that's not the point. It's just plain hurtful. This has been 2 minutes with Angry Susan - thank you good night.

My sister is visiting this weekend, and I am very much looking forward to it. She's my best friend in the world, and I don't know how I would have survived the last year without her. She only lives 160 miles away, but she has 2 teenagers so it's very difficult for her to get away for a weekend. I usually visit her every couple months, but I haven't been able to lately with feeling so sick. I missed 4th of July and her birthday and Labor day, all times we traditionally spend together. I even visited her for all these dates last year when I was pregnant. Our college football teams are playing each other this weekend, and we look forward to this event each year. I am very depressed that I am too sick to go to the game, but having her here will definitely cheer me up. Not to mention that she promises to clean my house from top to bottom and grocery shop for me. YAY!

I hope and pray that next week brings a little relief from this nausea and any increase in energy would be a welcome blessing. Come on second trimester - I know it's still early, but where's that "best part of pregnancy" feeling - as advertised? I'm waiting.

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