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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 16 ~ September 30, 2005
~ Just When You Think It's Gone

The nausea returned full force this week, accompanied by severe headaches. I remember it was particularly bad at 16 weeks last time as well. No one seems to know why, but I can only hope it is temporary. On the plus side, I have been feeling movement already, which is nice because I haven't been able to find the heartbeat with my doppler for over a month and the only thing keeping me from going insane with worry is feeling the few movements every day. I know it is hard to believe that I am feeling movement so soon, but it made a lot more sense when we saw the ultrasound this week and the baby was moving, moving, moving so much. The doctor said s/he was punching and kicking my bladder the whole time and that we have a very, very active baby. THANK GOD for small favors. I really need the reassurance of movement, and I am so ready for it to be even more frequent. Everything else went ok at the appointment as well, except for me being so nauseated that I almost threw up in the exam room. The doctor also said she isn't concerned with me not gaining any weight yet because the baby is measuring right on track, so that was good.

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You may or may not remember the group of "friends" I referred to in my week 12 entry, the ones who have excluded me since my loss. Well I got an e-mail (not personalized of course - it was to a bunch of people) announcing the 40th birthday party of one of the women and they threw in there that they weren't having the party on her actual birthday because they we all going to be in Vegas celebrating. So I guess I wasn't invited to the Vegas trip, which was so hurtful because they all know how much I LOVE Vegas. I took my honeymoon there and go there every year on vacation. These very same women threw me a Vegas themed wedding shower for crying out loud. Not inviting me is one thing but to make sure that I know they are going without me - that is just plain malicious. So apparently they have completely written me off. Which is fine, I have accepted that these people are no longer my friends, and do not want to be around me since our daughter died, but why purposely exclude me and then send me group e-mails keeping me up to date on their comings and goings? Am I supposed to read these e-mails and then call them up and say "Oh please, please can I be part of the group again? I sure am missing out on a lot of fun." I just don't get it. You may think, "oh they probably assumed you couldn't go because you are pregnant." Well, that's the thing; they don't even know I am pregnant, because none of them have bothered to call or come by since Cecilia's funeral.

On a more positive note, we finally got a touch of fall this week. YAY! It was in the 60's and 70's a couple days instead of 80's and 90's. I am so excited for the cooler weather because - Pregnancy + Nausea + hot weather = Unhappy Lady.

Well, that's my week. Hoping for improvements in week 17.

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