Week 18 ~ October 13, 2005
~ We're Having a . . .
We had our second Perinatologist appointment and everything looked good, right on track. The doctor and nurse separately raved about the results of our first trimester screening. They said the test results lowered my risk of abnormalities to that of a 20 year old. I was very excited to hear that since that's the only thing I have comparable to a 20 year old. Well, I guess I made you read far enough; I am very excited to report that they say we are expecting a girl!! I
couldn't be happier. This is what I wished and prayed for.
A person in my pregnancy after loss support group was having trouble dealing with carrying a different gender after her loss, so I was trying to get prepared mentally so those types of emotions didn't blind side me if that were the case. With the first pregnancy, I told everyone I knew that I was hoping for a girl, but this time when people asked me that question, I said I didn't care, even though that was a lie. I just didn't want people making sympathetic comments if things didn't turn out that way because I learned the hard way that 9 times out of 10 those comments come out all wrong and I walk away mad or uncomfortable. Even though people mean well, there is something that happens between the brain and the mouth that makes
these comments come out sounding very odd. The truth is, I honestly didn't wish for a girl because that is what I lost. I have wanted a daughter my entire life and every single member of my family and all my close friends know this so they didn't have to ask. It's just the acquaintances and coworkers that you have to be careful how much personal information you give them
because it inevitably comes back to creep you out at some point.
Speaking of coworkers, one of mine came in this week with a horrid cold - sneezing and coughing constantly. It was a pretty bad one. He and I sit right next to each other with the openings to our cubes facing one another. So, I told the boss, I can't catch what he has, so I will need to go home or else maybe you can ask him if he wants to go home since he is sick, and
boy oh boy did I open up a can of worms. My boss asked the guy if he wanted to go home and then the boss marched right down to HR to tell them what I asked him to do and HR said I can't be telling my boss to ask people to leave. Meanwhile the guy who was sick was like "hell yeah, I am out of here, SEE YA". He is so sweet and always so concerned about me and I knew he would be all to happy to bail, so it's not like he said no and I forced him to go. But of course I had to be called in behind closed doors and "spoken to" about my behavior. I said "look here - my loss was due to a virus and I CANNOT catch it if I can possibly avoid it and he sits right beside me. I don't intend to make the same request every time someone has a sniffle but
there is no way for me to avoid his coughs and sneezes unless one of us leaves and volunteered to leave, but if he is sick why not let him off the hook, obviously he didn't want to be here today to begin with. Did you see how fast he said he would go?" They gave me the usual BS Corporate response "Ok - well it worked out that way this time but going forward - blah blah blah
- and how do we determine who is contagious and who is not - blah blah blah" I mean come on, if someone is sick as a dog with a sneezing snotty cold then what is wrong with asking them to GO HOME instead of spreading it around the office? How about we institute a company policy called USE YOUR COMMON SENSE?
You know, things just are not happening in real life the way they are planned in my imagination - not with friends or work or anything. People really have forgotten so quickly and I guess they expect me to do the same. If only that were possible. Unfortunately it's not. Every single day that I am blessed enough to wake up I re-live my daughter's death all over again and I don't know how long this will go on. I don't know if one day I will wake up and have a normal day and only think about how much I love her and not how much I miss her. I wish I knew. So, I have decided that when I start to feel down about these things I
will just try to think about how happy I am to have my new little daughter with me and how I can't wait to see her.