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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 20 ~ October 28, 2005
~ Did all this happen in just ONE week?

Cecilia's marker was delivered and installed last Friday as planned and we went to see it Saturday morning. I was afraid of my reaction but it turned out to be fine. I was really happy to see it and I didn't cry. We are so glad the temporary one is gone. It was heartbreaking to see it blown over every time we visited. So now we have a beautiful stone with a vase to keep flowers, instead of having to just lay them on the ground. It was definitely a step toward healing. I don't even know how to explain it; the feeling is like one tiny little part of the hole in my heart closed up. The feeling of helplessness is such a big part of the pain, knowing you can't DO anything for your child. It felt nice to do something for her for the first time since her funeral.

Later that afternoon we went to a baby safety carnival - quite by accident - I had to go to the bathroom while we were out and about and we stopped at Lowe's because they have nice clean restrooms, and lo and behold Babies R Us and the fire department were holding an event for Baby Safety Month. We won TONS of home baby proofing items in a raffle and had a great time carving a pumpkin and watching demonstrations. What luck- right?

Sorry to say, that's where my luck ended this week. First, my office flooded from some sort of explosion or burst pipes in the restrooms at work and my cube and 4 others were literally inches deep in nasty toilet water. You would think this would call for upper management to use their deductive reasoning skills and tell the affected employees to work from home rather than sit with computer cords dangling in toilet water. Ummm nope - we had to stay. The response from the boss when asked what we should do was "it's fine, it doesn't smell, the computers are fine, I don't know what you are complaining about." Well it probably didn't smell in his office, it didn't get flooded, but it DID smell in mine, the carpet was disgusting and I was surrounded by wet paper and boxes. Talk about denial. On top of all that, they shut off all the water and the AC in the building so it was not only smelly but it was HOT and smelly and I had to walk a block to go to the bathroom at a neighboring office building. WELL, this went on for several days until they finally came in and cleaned the carpets and affected areas. Later I ran into a fellow pregnant co-worker from another department in the break room and she said she had been working from home simply because there were no bathrooms. I was so livid with my boss at this point. Why would another manager let his pregnant employee work from home and my manager just pretended nothing was happening? ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!

Believe it or not that was the least of my bad luck this week. On the way to work Thursday, a car came millimeters from completely smashing into me. He swerved over into my lane at high speed and ran me off the road. THEN on the way to lunch I had two more incidents like this - very close calls - and it freaked me out. I said to my friend who was riding with me, "what is going on? Someone is bound and determined to hit me today. Maybe I should find someone to give me a ride home." No sooner did I say this and someone rear ended me at a red light. We were stopped and I saw him coming and in my rear view mirror and I thought - he isn't going to stop - oh my God - then I heard his tires screech as he tried to stop at the last second and then BAM he smashed into us as about 25 MPH. My passenger screamed and I burst out hysterically crying and couldn't stop. I just sat there frozen - paralyzed by the idea that something could happen to my baby again. My friend got out of the car and talked to the other driver and handled everything at the scene while I just sat there unable to make myself move - all I could do was cry. I called my doctor immediately and she said to go straight to the hospital and I called my husband who works nearby and he came to the scene as well while we waited forever for the police. I didn't feel like I was physically hurt, no bleeding or bruises or anything, but you never know with all that adrenaline, so I went to L&D and got on a monitor for contractions and had a blood test to see if any of the baby's cells were mixed with my blood and had an ultrasound. Everything looked ok so they let me go after a few hours, however they said they didn't get the blood test results back yet but would call if there was a problem.

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The next day I went to see the OB for a check up; I didn't see my regular doctor. I saw one of her partners, and she said she couldn't find the test results, but she would get them and call me. Three hours later she called saying the test was positive and I needed to check into the hospital within the hour. I completely lost it. It was happening all over again. I couldn't believe my ears. My boss redeemed a few cool points by offering to drive me to the hospital so my husband met us there - to save on time. Again, all I could do was cry - for hours - I was inconsolable. They repeated the test and put me on a monitor again and did another ultrasound. The ultrasound looked good again - and they couldn't find any lesions in the placenta, so the Perinatologist said the test must have given a false positive since it really isn't effective until 24 weeks and that he didn't know why my OB even ordered it and hollered to the Tech - GET HER DOCTOR ON THE PHONE NOW. I still didn't feel any better because I had 2 doctors saying one thing and another doctor saying something else. Anyway, they sent me home and said to just go on bed rest for a few days.

Ok - so - tra la la la la - we head home expecting to tuck me in bed and be done with this whole horrible week. But again - NOPE - it was not to be. I open the door to the house to find my downstairs flooded and water pouring out of the ceiling. Thus begins the night from hell to top off the day from hell. We had to shut off the water to the house to get it to stop, and have been trying for 14 hours so far to find an emergency plumber. Supposedly one is calling me back soon, but I have heard that all night, so I will believe it when I see it. We were going to go to a hotel, but I decided I wanted my own bed so we washed and brushed with bottled water and have been filling the toilets with containers of water from our neighbor's house.

Did I mention I missed my big deadline at work from being in the hospital all day long for 2 days. At least I have a good excuse - right? Heck I wasn't going to be ready for it anyway, why not find a silver lining. Actually I should be working on that project right now instead of typing this, but I am going to assume that boss knows it's up to him to sink or swim on this one.

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!! Wait - no water - never mind.

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