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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 22 ~ November 12, 2005
~ Huffing & Puffing and Feeling Huge

It's been a busy week, and I am beginning to feel very tired a lot easier these days. I don't remember feeling this lethargic and winded so early. I am scared it is simply from being heavier this time around. I have only gained 8 pounds but I started out with 15 more than last time. Since we only waited 3 months, I hadn't lost it all yet. I generally just look and feel enormous and I want to rest halfway through grocery shopping or a trip to the mall. I usually try to get Chris to go with me for that reason. It's hard to believe that the BIG weight gain hasn't even started yet. I really had a growth spurt in the third trimester last time. I'd only gained 5 pounds at 6 months with Cecilia and I ended up with a total gain of 27 I think. I cannot imagine packing on another 21 pounds but I have a feeling it's coming.

It has been a tough week at work. We had a trade show this week and had to be up at 5am to get there in time to be ready for people to arrive at 7am and that was miserable. I was also on my feet all day on a concrete floor. It's been 2 days and my legs still hurt. I tried to sit down as much as possible but there was just so much running around to do that I was still on my feet a good bit. Another lovely side effect of the trade show was someone stole my credit card and charged up $102.75 at the convention center. I have times and locations on the charges and I would LOVE to take a look at a tape to see if I can identify who did this. Unfortunately this isn't the first time I've had my credit card stolen and I learned the hard way that it isn't something law enforcement is eager to prosecute because they apparently have much bigger fish to fry. Last time it was stolen they charged around $800 and the police were no help. I ended up investigating it myself and found evidence proving who did it. Turned out to be a hotel clerk who checked me in while I was on a business trip to Detroit. Anyway they never prosecuted him and last time I checked he still works there.

Again this week I picked a fight with a stranger in public. As I told you last week, I can't stop myself from doing this. When I see someone being a monumental bonehead in public to the detriment of those around them I HAVE to say something. So I was at the trade show greeting people at the door of a lecture and then sat down in the back after the lecture started and there was this man who for some reason decided to pull up a chair to the table holding the coffee service instead of sitting in the regular rows of chairs for the audience and he sat there and blew his nose VERY loudly over and over the entire time using napkins on the coffee service table and then piling the used napkins up on the table. Then the lecture ends and he just gets up to walk away leaving the pile of snotty napkins sitting there. So I intercepted him and said "sir, you need to dispose of your used kleenex" and he just walked back and got them without an argument thank God. But WHY would someone need to tell a grown man not to leave snotty napkins on a table where coffee is being served or anywhere else for that matter?? Even though there were about 1800 people there, I saw him all day long every where I turned and I am hoping he was good and embarrassed but my guess is no. Oh well.

We ordered our Certificate of Stillbirth a while back and received it this week and boy was that a mistake. I knew it was pretty much just a made up document used to hush up complaining parents of stillborns since we don't get a real birth certificate. However, I wasn't expecting what I got. First of all it says "Fetal Death Certificate" on top - My daughter was a human being not a fetus and it has the wrong date of birth - says 2-10-05 and she was born on 2-11-05. Says sex "undetermined", weight "unknown", says my maiden name is "unknown", says estimated gestation "16 weeks" when she was actually 38 weeks and it is notarized by the DHS. I don't know where to even begin????? They obviously took no time to check the records or look at the form we submitted WITH ALL THE ABOVE INFO ENTERED CORRECTLY. It's clear they only offer this "document" to pacify the parents, but could they maybe pretend to give a crap enough to do it correctly??? I know they don't care about her or us but do they have to be this freaking slack about documenting my daughter's existence??? We went to the hospital the next day for an ultrasound and Chris went to talk to them about the certificate. They said they had my records crossed with a Susan Rebecca and same last name. I am Susan Renee. Not sure I believe that story but anyway they said they would send a corrected one, but they needed the death certificate. If I am not mistaken that is something THEY are supposed to provide US not the other way around. Someone at the hospital said that the funeral home would have picked up the death certificate if there was one when they picked up her body, and then the funeral home gives the death certificate to us. Guess I will call the funeral home, but I suspect that someone at the hospital was just trying to transfer blame and if the HOSPITAL originates the death certificate, why wouldn't they have a copy. I highly doubt they'd just give out their only copy. From all my research, they don't do birth or death certificates for stillborns - except in a couple select states where parents got legislation pushed through. Georgia is not one of those states. Like I said I wish I never bothered. I guess I really don't need it. I just wanted it.

Speaking of the ultrasound appointment, everything looked good. She kept trying to grab her feet - very cute. We had to take a break and do a second ultrasound because she was turned in a way they couldn't see all 4 chambers of the heart on the first try. In the second one they were able to see all of the heart and she was STILL trying to grab her feet an half hour later. Her heartbeat was 120 on the first scan and 152 on the second and she weighs one pound. Unfortunately we had an incident while there which shook me up a bit. While we were waiting for the second scan, they moved us to some chairs in the hall while they prepared another room with a stronger machine. They called me over and put me in the room and I stood there for a second and realized it was the room where I had Cecilia's last scan when they told us there was no heartbeat and she was gone. I just burst into tears and said "No No I don't want to go in here." And the nurses looked very shocked and Chris rushed me out and went back and told them what was going on. I sort of just sat there stunned at my reaction. I didn't even know I knew what room we were in that day last February. But as soon as I walked in I remembered. So I waited a while longer and they put me somewhere else. In the end the ultrasound turned out to be fine. They got the pictures of the heart they wanted and everything else checked out fine as well.

My last note for the week is just that I am soooo much hungrier lately. I guess I have spent so much time being nauseated and force feeding myself that the feeling of intense hunger is almost freaking me out. I am finding myself eating 2 or 3 times before lunch and wanting lunch a lot earlier. Late afternoon and evening is not as bad.

Let's see what surprises next week brings.

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