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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 23 ~ November 18, 2005
~ She's very busy in there

It is amazing how quickly the movement increased - seems like overnight. I have been told over and over how active this baby is, but now I can really feel what they are talking about. I don't think she has stopped for more than a couple minutes since about 4:30 am this morning. I absolutely love it because it helps me not to worry so much - at least not constantly. Every movement is like a little hug of reassurance.

I have been feeling sick again this week. Not as bad as earlier in the pregnancy but definitely lots of noticeable nausea again. It's not really a queasy feeling so much as a bloated gassy full feeling - like I just ate Thanksgiving dinner and wish I could hurl it up to get some relief. I also had a very intense craving for banana pudding this week. I literally HAD to have it, so I went to the Publix Deli and got some and ate the whole thing. Did the same thing the next day. I have never had any particular affinity for banana pudding so it was kind of funny. No idea what that was about.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving and a few days off. Work and traffic are really just too much for me anymore. I worry every day about getting in another wreck and my boss is a whole other story. Let me just tell you his latest gem - this one might take the cake.

I am an Advertising Account Exec and work with a team of people required to bring in X amount of dollars per year as a group. So as we approach year end, we have a push - as always to make the annual budget. The boss always puts up a big chart showing how much we have to go and when we make it (and we ALWAYS do) we have a big party and everyone gets gifts and bonuses etc. Well the chart has been up for a few months and last Tuesday we had a meeting with the boss saying we had $15K to go and if a couple team members complete deals they are working on we made it. Well those team members closed their deals and the boss was congratulating us and asking us where we should have the party and asking for our wish lists for gifts. THEN on Friday - 1 whole minute before the company wide meeting with the big big boss we get an e-mail from the boss saying the goal was WAY higher than what the BIG FAT CHART ON THE WALL FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS (which had mysteriously disappeared by the way) said. And chastised us for being $56K short of budget. SO we got completely reamed and humiliated by the big big boss at the meeting while still stunned by the e-mail with no opportunity to ask the boss what was going on and I am the only person out of 12 team members who was stupid enough to stand up and address the big big boss and say "when did the number change, we were told on Tuesday we made it" and my boss literally spit fire at me as he said "that number on the wall was just a goal to get us closer - you all know the real number - don't act like you didn't" I said OOOKKKKK and sat down. The boss literally screwed up the numbers and figured it out the day of the quarterly meeting and BLAMED THE WHOLE THING ON US!!! I am shocked, dismayed, hurt, and mainly completely livid that he would screw up something that badly and then throw his team in front of the bus to cover his tracks. If we didn't make it, why the meeting telling us we did and why ask us where we should have the party and why tell us all his worry the last couple months was for nothing?? If this job didn't pay so well and if I didn't love my work and hadn't already invested 8 years in my clients, I would get the hell out, but he isn't worth losing my career. I'm just gonna suck it up and wait for the karma train to eventually run him over.

Well, that's my week. Had better. Had worse. Guess I'll take it and be thankful.

Enjoy your Turkey Day!!

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