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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 26 ~ December 9, 2005
~ Z-Pak and Glucola DO NOT mix

Hasn't been one of my better weeks. I've been walking around with strep throat for the past week and didn't even know it. I went to the doctor complaining of a severely sore throat on November 29 and she said it was probably just sinus drainage but took a culture anyway. Apparently someone forgot to read my lab results because I only just got a call from the her on Monday letting me know the culture was positive and I needed antibiotics. I am on Z-Pak, which has the lovely side effects of nausea and diarrhea. FUN!

We ripped up the carpet in our downstairs and put wood floors in our house this week and everything was in complete chaos - furniture and boxes everywhere. My dog freaked out thinking we were moving again. I am not really the biggest fan of wood floors but my husband is and I also really worry about the dog hair and allergens in the carpets when the baby comes. Furthermore I have seen what babies and toddlers have done to the carpet in even my most meticulously clean friends' houses. I have trouble keeping my carpet presentable with just a husband and a dog, much less a baby throwing apple juice and pudding on the floor, so I gave in. I'm still not sure how I feel about the change in my home's appearance but I guess I will get used to it.

My office is also moving locations so everything there is a complete wreck as well. The move takes place next Thursday but they made us go ahead and pack everything up already so we wouldn't be doing it at the last minute, so I am constantly reaching for files and other things that aren't there. Very irritating. Speaking of my lovely job, I had a review with the big, big boss this week and went in feeling completely overprepared and armed with every shred of data regarding my accounts than any human being could possibly think to ask. Unfortunately this man is one of those people who is NEVER wrong and decides to ask me questions about accounts that aren't even mine and then proceeds to yell at me and my boss when I couldn't answer his questions. I tried to defend myself by but then he just said that I need to collaborate with other reps more to be better informed. OF COURSE he would never admit that he didn't know that wasn't my account. He also felt the need to throw in that I need to get out in the field more and let the clients see I am pregnant and have a baby to feed. I wanted to punch him in the head. So if I were skinny with big boobs should I get out in the field more to show off my awesome bod so people would sign with me just because I am hot???? Do you think maybe he could violate the harassment policy just a little more?? So, not only did he yell at me about accounts that aren't mine, he also said I don't go on enough outside appointments. UMMMM the thing is, I am an INSIDE rep. I don't take outside appointments. If people want to see me, they come to me. I am the person who stays in the office all the time to insure someone is always here to handle any needs that might arise on a daily basis. You know as much work as I did to prepare, he could have at least taken a look at my account list and JOB TITLE before he started berating the crap out of me. Anyway, I am still walking around stunned over that meeting. I just keep saying to myself over and over- "That man has a Napoleon Complex. It's not me." "That man has a Napoleon Complex. It's not me." For this reason, I will NOT be attending the company holiday party tonight. I have never missed one because I always felt it would be disrespectful to turn down the big big boss's invitation. However, considering he can't even remember what it is I actually do here after 7 years, I no longer I feel obligated to rush home after a full day of work, get all gusseyed up, then get back in the car and haul my butt an hour across town in Friday traffic just to once again wind up as the only sober witness to the annual office drunkfest. No thanks. It's PJs, pizza and TiVo for me tonight.

Walking wasn't as bad this week. The pain in my right leg didn't make much of an appearance THANK GOD! Wishing it stays away for good, but I know it will come back eventually. I had my Glucose Tolerance Test yesterday. BLLAAAHHHH. It was so gross. I was already sick from the antibiotics and then drinking that goo on top of that was almost too much for me but I kept it down. Hope to find out the results today but I am not holding my breath. Seems people have problems reading lab results over there.

On this week's list of things I can no longer do, I discovered that I can no longer reach my desk to write at work. I have to turn to the side because my belly is in the way. Thank goodness I can still type on the computer. I just have to pull the keyboard all the way to the end of the desk. Please also add, putting on pantyhose and taking off socks. I wore a pair of pull on knee length boots with a skirt this week and I had to sit on the top step of my staircase and lean to the side to get the boots on and then put the skirt on after that. Like that visual? Me in my underwear and knee length boots. PRETTY!!!

We have our monthly ultrasound at the hospital today and no matter how much I feel this little one move, it still terrifies me to go in there. Especially now that it's getting so late. I guess if I'd had early miscarriages I would be more afraid during the early weeks, but having such a late loss (38 weeks) I am not getting more confident as time goes by, I am actually getting more worried. I wonder if something might be wrong with my body's ability to nurture a baby in the last few weeks. I don't think there is anything I can do about these feelings so I just have to let them come and go and try not to let them take over my thoughts all the time. I still have problems going in the nursery. I thought that would get a lot easier but it isn't. It smells exactly the same as it did a year ago when we painted it and that smell made me so happy back then but ever since I came home after having Cecilia that smell has given me a physical reaction of wanting to cry. We keep the door closed most of the time, but I don't think that's really a solution. I have to find a way to live with that room. Hoping that will all change when she gets here.

That's going to do it for me. Stay warm. And congratulations to my University of Georgia Bulldogs - 2005 SEC Champions!!! GO DAWGS!!! See ya' at the Sugar Bowl!!

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