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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 28 ~ December 22, 2005
~ Last 10 Weeks of Being Pregnant as Long as I Live

Famous last words right? I seem to recall saying that before not so long ago. Hope it sticks this time. Here is where the debate of intentionally having an only child usually ensues. My common response to such objections to my life plan is, "Sorry, you don't get a vote." So, God willing, this will be my last 10 weeks of pregnancy EVER.

Well, I have discovered that my blabbering in this journal is being read and taken to heart by more people than I realized. I didn't include my e-mail in this journal (will explain why in a minute) so the feedback has been - well - none really, until now. Actually I take that back, one very nice lady in my StorkNet Due Date Club and one in my Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group mentioned reading it. THANKS LADIES!! Anyway, I wrote last week that no one should be able to say anything to a pregnant woman regarding her figure besides "you look great". I think the word I used for the many other comments was "asinine". YIKES. So, I sent out a picture of my hugely pregnant self to a number of friends and family who don't get to see me that often and my usually very talkative sister never mentioned anything, so I asked her why she didn't say anything about the picture and she said, "well I didn't think I was supposed to." I guess making a veiled reference to my rant last week. I just said "I didn't mean YOU can't say anything - GOSH - I'm not THAT sensitive." Then I went back and re-read what I wrote and realized I sure as heck come off as being that sensitive, so in the future, I better not bark so loudly unless I want people to listen. A couple other people made the comment "You look great" so I guess they read it too and I scared them out of saying anything else.

Ok so, why didn't I post an e-mail address? Well, I used to have it posted on a few public loss support websites along with my birth story and it became too much for me to read and answer the e-mail from other women going through the same thing. At first it was therapeutic and the kinship really helped, but after a while, I began having an hour or two here and there where I wasn't thinking about it and I found that the e-mails popping up snapped me right back into grief mode. I always wanted to answer these letters right away with the best and most heartfelt advice I could come up with, so I had to make the decision to step back if I ever wanted my life to be about anything else. I don't know where I would be without the dedication of the incredible women who write all the books about loss and grief and host all the wonderful grief sites out there. Their gifts to the world are so very important and needed. They are truly exceptional people, but I just don't think I have what it takes to be one of them. I did however want to at least try to contribute something. Katey's journal really gave me hope and helped me mentally prepare for this experience and I wanted to try to do that for someone else. Another reason for not posting my e-mail address is there were a few incidences of being very very hurt by some severely disturbed people who visited the public sites. They would write things like, mothers of stillborns obviously didn't deserve to have a babies and that we were failures as women and that WE were the sickos for thinking anyone wanted to hear our birth stories or see our children's pictures etc. etc. One guy even set up a whole website with stuff stolen off a grief site and poked fun at us calling us "a waste of DNA". I tracked him down and called his local police and internet service provider and he eventually removed the items from his site, but that was quite a draining ordeal and I never want to go through anything like that again. So if that doesn't put you off publicly posting your e-mail address, I don't know what would. So, I removed my information from all but one very special non-public chat-forum type loss support group and have found that although seeking and offering support from/to other bereaved mothers is something I do every single day via my web group, I do it at times when I feel up to talking and the rest of my day is spent trying to get back to some sense of normalcy. Although "normal" in my world is never going to be what it was a year ago, I do my best. So, that's the story of the missing e-mail address.

SO, baby is usually moving a lot which makes me very happy, although I did have one day this week with less movement than I am used to and I couldn't remember when I last felt movement so I freaked out. I didn't leave the office early or anything, but had to try to keep myself calm the whole way home and I headed straight for the doppler as soon as I walked in the door. Chris was great, he just said, "that's ok, that's what we got it for."

Work has been crazy this week. I didn't take any time off since I am trying to save all my vacation for maternity leave, and I have been really surprised at how many of my clients worked all week. It definitely hasn't been as quiet as I expected. We moved our offices last Friday so I've also had that to keep me busy - getting all set up in my new space. I love it for the most part except for the fact that I went from being in a back corner to front and center. I absolutely HATE having people walking by me all day seeing and hearing everything I am doing. Not that I do things I am not supposed to, but it's just irritating to feel like someone is constantly looking over your shoulder. I also can't visit lovely StorkNet as much as I used to because every time I do it seems like my boss walks by. We are also not allowed to eat lunch at our desks anymore, so I can't eat and surf which was one of my favorite ways to spend my lunch hour. Oh well, the trade-off for the beautiful new space and shorter commute is definitely worth it, and I will eventually get used to the changes.

No leg pain again this week. Maybe it is gone for good. The discomforts I am experiencing right now are shortness of breath, backache and ligament pain. I feel like my lungs are all squished up, especially when I lay down. It's like I can't get a big enough breath. All very common though, so no biggie.

Well, this has been an extremely discombobulated and wacky entry so I'll cut it off before I get off on some other weird tangent and just close by saying Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and I hope your holiday is filled with joy and love.

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