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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 30 ~ January 6, 2006
~ Tragic Family News and Pre-Eclampsia Scare

On Tuesday I was driving home from work thinking, I am finally doing ok and I think I could live the rest of my life with the level of happiness I have right now. I mean I hurt over everything that has happened, but that pain is part of me now and I am learning how to live with it on a day to day basis and I think I can finally be thankful again for what I DO have which is a really wonderful husband, a baby on the way, a comfortable roof over my head, food to eat and a decent job. Then the pessimist in me said, oh GOD what did I just do? I said I was happy. Now something else is going to come along to try to take it all away. How dare I have the audacity to walk around feeling satisfied? Well, unfortunately the pessimist was right. No sooner did I get home and I get a phone call from my aunt telling me her daughter died suddenly from what they speculate must have been a heart attack or aneurysm. She's only 45 years old and has 4 children. I kept saying "who did you say?" because in my mind I was hearing her say her husband, my step uncle's name because he has not been well, and that is what I anticipated, but she said Phyllis and I said again "who?" and she said "your cousin Phyllis" and I think after the 3rd time I actually let myself HEAR it. I feel so bad I made my poor aunt say it so many times. So then I couldn't say anything except "I am so sorry" over and over and then asked her to please call me as soon as they know the arrangements and then I said "I will let you go. I know these calls are hard". She said ok but could I please call my 3 sisters to tell them. I said of course. SO as I sat there stunned, I called one sister and she asked me a million questions I didn't know the answers to because I didn't ask my aunt anything. I just couldn't think. So we each agreed to call one other sister and when I called the one I was assigned I got ANOTHER huge shock. She'd been in a wreck and was critically injured and could die from her injuries, the most life threatening being a sliced liver. She is stabilized now but can't move for 3 months because if the blood clot in her liver dislodges she could bleed to death. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I CAN do about any of it. I just don't understand all of this. I am not even going to say it's not fair because I am so sick of feeling that way. I just want to know when ENOUGH is ENOUGH? Haven't I done my time?

As you can probably imagine, the stress hasn't been good for me. I began having terrible nausea, dizzy spells, blurry vision, increased swelling and headaches. My StorkNet pals told me to get my blood pressure checked and if it's high I needed to go to the doctor right away. It was 141/90 so I called the doctor and they said come in since I was also having other symptoms of Pre-Eclampsia, I better get checked right away. They checked my blood pressure 3 times and it went all the way down to 110/70 over the course of 2 hours so that's a very good sign. They also did an ultrasound and my fluid and placenta looked good. She was in a weird position though. Not quite transverse and not really vertex either. She was head down but sort off to the side a little bit. She said they can't stay like that for long because it's uncomfortable for them and it is pretty uncomfortable for the mom as well. I have another regularly scheduled ultrasound at the hospital today and she said she would be surprised if she was still in that position today. I also had a ton of blood drawn so we'll see what those tests say. She also told me to go ahead and make all the rest of my OB appointments for weekly from now on. The doctor agrees that stress is contributing to the headaches and blood pressure and as I described my week earlier, I guess there's no mystery as to why I would be stressed. She asked if I wanted her to take me out of work for these last few weeks and I said no, but I'm changing my hours and will no longer be driving. Hopefully that will help a little bit. I feel like I would be more stressed by staying home because things at the office are not prepared for me to go on leave yet, and I would just be worried all the time about how everything is getting done and all the mistakes and problems that would surely arise from such a hurried departure.

So, we have the Perinatologist appointment today then tomorrow I need to shop for something to wear and pack to go to the funeral the next day. It's about a 4 hour drive so we'll spend the night. Well, that's my week. Couldn't be happier to see it end.

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