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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 35 ~ February 9, 2006
~ Guess Who's Dilated?

ME. I have been having some really weird pains that I didn't recognize. They're like stabbing pains in what I imagine to be my cervix and then sometimes they radiate upwards and sometimes they don't. I recognize the ones that radiate up and feel like gas pains. Those are what my stage 1 contractions felt like last time, but the stabbing pain in the cervix is new to me. I mentioned it to my Perinatologist on Monday and he said - "yeah that happens - especially if you have had a baby before". I just said ok and then left thinking, "hmmm that still doesn't tell me what it is." Anyway, I decided to time them a few times and they varied from 13 minutes apart to 20 minutes apart, so I figured even if they are contractions they aren't "important ones that warrant my attention" as the books are so fond of saying. I always laugh when I read that advice, because let me tell you, when I have a pain like that it gets my attention whether I want it to or not. I also had a VERY STRANGE burst of energy this week and have been running around the house like a crazy person cleaning up every speck of dust and straightening pictures and attacking any sign of clutter. This is very unlike me as I have been extremely lethargic for many months now. I also lost 3 pounds this week which confused me greatly. And I don't think this has anything to do with the onset of labor, but I also barfed twice. Once after dinner one night and it came on so fast I couldn't even make it to the bathroom. I did however make it to the kitchen sink. The other time I threw up in my sleep and woke up choking. THAT was freaky - and pretty scary as well. Isn't that how Janis Joplin died?

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So I went to have my NST today and was very anxious to see if the report showed any contractions. I was feeling the unusual pain as I sat on the monitor, but the doctor said no contractions were showing up and I said "well I am having one right now - whatever it is" and she said sometimes they don't show up on the monitor if they are small so she would go ahead and check me since she would already be in the neighborhood for my Strep B test. Well lo and behold, we're at half a centimeter and softening. I just said "I knew something was going on down there." She said she should technically give me a shot to stop labor if it comes on this early but she won't. We'll just go ahead and let it happen since we're already scheduled for my induction on February 22.

I am excited and relieved and in shock and much more. The last time I got a cervix check it was one year ago tomorrow - in the very same room - and I was dilated to a 2. The next conversation we had was 2 minutes later and consisted of her telling me she was sorry but there's no heartbeat and . . . well you know the rest. All I want to do is cry. I am so emotional right now. I am so happy yet having a very difficult time handling this good news and dealing with the anniversary of my daughter's death all in the same day. It is just so weird that this is happening TODAY??? I am actually too much of a mess right now to go on with this entry so I think I will cut it short except to say I think I am in for quite a ride with Cecilia's Birthday, my Birthday and my baby shower all in the next 3 days. Jeez I hope I make it through in one piece. Please pray for me.

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