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Susan's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 7
~ Hello Morning Sickness, Goodbye Waist

I've been reading my journal from the last pregnancy, and it appears I began getting sick around the end of week 6. I was so hoping I would escape it this time, but no luck. Just like clockwork, here it is. I wake up at 12:00, 3:00 and 5:00 every morning having to go to the bathroom. Why is it so regimented?? Anyway by the time my alarm goes off at 6:15 I am completely nauseated. No vomiting yet, but I constantly feel like I am about to throw up. It does not go away throughout the day. I may have a half hour or so from time to time when I am not completely green, but that's when I notice the constant headaches and exhaustion.

The guy in the cube next to me at work said, "what's wrong, got the flu or something?" I just nodded yes. I sit way back in a corner so no one comes back there unless they are specifically looking for me or my neighbor Jeremy, so I can writhe in pain without anyone really noticing. Jeremy is a 28 year old single guy so he would never put 2 and 2 together. I really want to keep this pregnancy under wraps until at least week 12. I announced it at week 10 last time because I was so sick I couldn't stand wearing my regular clothes and had to get into some loose, comfortable maternity wear. I am seeing the same pattern emerging this time. I am still wearing my transitional clothes from the last pregnancy thanks to a very stubborn 15 pounds of post pregnancy weight and even though they are a size larger than my pre-pregnancy clothes and the fabrics have a little stretch to them, the zippers and buttons torture my queasy stomach.

So, I decided to buy a few incognito maternity outfits. You know, nothing like shirts that tie in the back or front panel pants, but just something to get me by for a few weeks. I felt really funny going to the maternity section of the store. I have spent the last 5 months avoiding that area because it was so painful. My heart was pounding and I honestly felt like I was doing something wrong. Who do I think I am, assuming I will need these clothes? The baby could be gone tomorrow and then I will have a pile of new maternity clothes to return. I grabbed a skirt, a pair of pants, 3 shirts and 2 pairs of shorts. I knew my sizes from before. I plopped them in the buggy and headed for the checkout. I got home and stacked them up in the nursery and laid the receipt on top and ran out and closed the door. The nursery is still sitting there exactly as we left it before we lost Cecilia. We never had the strength to change it back to a guest room.

A few days later I peeked in and grabbed a skirt and wore it to work. I kept the tags with the receipt just in case. The next day I did the same thing. It's not really getting easier. I still feel like I am doing something wrong, that daring to believe can only cause heartache later. Gosh I hope this fear doesn't last the whole time.

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