Week 11 - May 5, 2006
~ Not a Good Week
Well, it started off well enough, despite the fact that I was/am still kind of tired toward the end of the day. My classes at school are starting to wind down, which is good. And of course, the weather's improving and getting warmer day by day, so I should be happy, right?
Should, being the key word, of course. If the only additional thing I had to deal with was my allergies (the Claritin took FOREVER to kick in this week), I would be fine. But toward the end of this week, the stress -- *everything* -- began to take its toll.
A few weeks ago, I had indicated to my husband, Bill, that I was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and overloaded by everything -- work, school, home, and attempting to take care of everything else connected to those things -- and that I'm having a lot of trouble relaxing. I was (and still am) looking quite forward to visiting my friend, Jen, in Maryland (she relocated there with her husband and little boy a few months ago). I need a change of scenery and just some time to debrief. Today (Friday) that's apparent, more than ever.
I'm sure (read I hope!) I'm not the only one to go through this -- and it's a bit "touchy" to talk about -- but the "romance" department's been lacking as well. So, add that into the mix, and there were days this week that I felt I was just barely keeping it together. So, things started to get tense on Thursday. I had told Bill I really wanted us to reconnect, and that I needed some more TLC. I thought, "ok, men want to know what women want, so I'll tell him." We kind of flirted some on Thursday and I was looking forward to what might transpire that night. So, I got home from class that night, got my daughter tucked into bed, and got somewhat "dolled" up (took a shower and used some of my best lotion, etc.) and waited upstairs for him. Nothing. Nada. He was apparantly too busy watching the stupid baseball game. This isn't the first time this sort of thing has come up, mind you, but I thought after our conversation earlier this week, that other "distractions" wouldn't be an issue. Wrong again, Tara.
I tried, really, REALLY hard, not to get too upset when he came up to bed (a short time later), but it really hurt my feelings and by then, I was in NO mood to get remotely romantic. The next morning (Friday) we talked some more. The part that's especially frustrating is that when I tell him what I want or what I need, he hears "I'm not doing something right," instead of, "Ok, this will make her happy and/or needed, wanted, appreciated." I asked him, "Please -- what do I need to do to let you know what I need, without making you feel this way?" He really didn't have much of an answer, but he agreed that we would both try not to be so hard on ourselves.
Then, something he said (which was rather innocuous) about piles of "stuff" made me start crying and I couldn't stop. So, we talked some more (and I cried some more) and we sort of left things as "ok" -- not great, but not horrid, either. Because of that, I was late for work by about ten minutes (luckily, that wasn't a big deal). But, even one of my co-workers wanted to know what was wrong. I thanked him for being concerned, but that I just had to sort things out on my own. It stinks having such pale skin; I get the worst tear and crying marks on my face.
Anyway, so the day went by somewhat better. But, of course, that was not meant to last. A recurring issue between Bill and his son (his car payments) came up . . . and even after Bill warning me not to get involved that he would "handle it" with him, I stupidly did. It just kills me to no end to hear him (Bill) get so upset in talking with his son about this -- and it's an issue that seems to recur every month and I'm so SICK of it. So, of course, they both get upset at me, and here I am, kicking myself once AGAIN. Bill says, "now you've just made things even worse." Great. Now that I'm already feeling so *unbelievably wonderful* about myself, I needed that. It's a good thing I'm leaving tomorrow -- I'm sure they'll be glad to see the back of me.
I don't know if it's the hormones that's making all of this worse, or the combination of the stress, or if it's my mild depression coming back. I hope not. I really don't want to be on the meds again (I was a few months back), so I'm praying that this is all just stress related mixed with some of the raging pregnancy hormones.
I hope all of this makes sense -- I'm still crying now as I write this. I'm just glad my daughter's outside playing and the little "bean" is safely tucked away from all of this.
Sorry if this is a "downer" entry -- I promise, I'll try to make next week's better. In the meantime, I'm counting the hours until I can leave and head to my friend's house tomorrow (Saturday).