Week 31 ~ September 21, 2006
~ Not An Easy Week
Well, this week began with good intentions, but it sure hasn't turned out that way. My husband and I have barely talked for two days after a pretty nasty disagreement we had on a day when I was feeling particularly tired, stressed and just plain overexhausted. I know that didn't help matters at all, but I wish he had the ability to see that I'm tired and help out more, instead of relying on me to say, "could you do the laundry/empty the dishwasher/take care of dinner." It scares me because I hope that there isn't some unrealistic expectation that, once Cameron arrives, I'm going to be able to do all of those things, because I can guarantee you it won't happen. I was out of it for about a week after having Cassie, and that was without nursing! He thinks I think he's lazy, which I don't . . . I just want him to get clued in to when I'm tired, or overstressed, and just jump in and take care of one or two things without me having to ask him! As you can surmise, things haven't been well since then. They've been pretty horrid. So, when you have someone like me who already feels somewhat huge and unattractive, add all of this stress on, and it's pretty miserable.
There are some times throughout this pregnancy that I've felt alone, and I don't want to feel this way. Maybe the hormones have something to do with it, I'm not sure. Since I had my daughter nine years ago, I have been diagnosed with mild depression and up until we tried for a baby, I was on some anti-depressants. I'm not sure this "black cloud" over me is all due to the disagreement, or if it's a sign of problems to come. I'm not sure if I should even mention it to my doctor (I have an appointment today). I'm afraid if I do, that they'll either just dismiss it, or worse, think I'm showing some sort of signs that there's something wrong with me, or I'll start crying like there's no tomorrow (which I've been doing the last two days).
I hope this isn't affecting Cameron too badly. I feel guilty for being so upset and then I worry that somehow it's hurting him. I know I had some periods of sadness and crying when I was pregnant with Cassie (I was going through a divorce with her father and I had just moved out of state), and thankfully, she was (and still is) healthy. Some of what happened this week brought out some of those feelings I had back then to the surface -- I'm not trying to compare my husband to my ex-husband, but it's hard not to see some similarities. I wonder, if what happened nine years ago occurred today, if I would now be strong enough to handle it. Sometimes I look back and wonder how in the world I got through it all. I can only look to the grace of God. I've been praying a lot the last few days to Him. I hope He's listening. I want to work things out with my husband. I don't want to feel like he hates me or doesn't want me around.